Tag: dating advice

Proof women are meant to have multiple lovers at the same time: Jana Hocking

Guys, I don’t know about monogamy. Have we been hoodwinked? Seriously.

As someone who has been single for a fair chunk of my 30s, I’ve got to witness many things in my friends’ relationships, family relationships and my relationships.

Close friends who are kind, considerate people with good heads on their shoulders have been caught up in affairs, or at the very least flirted with the idea.

And we’re not talking sleazy dudes having a midlife crisis, but everyday people, nurses, teachers, plenty of office workers.

Marrying and settling down may not be the answer to women’s happiness – in fact, it could be much more X-rated than that, says Jana Hocking. Instagram/jana_hocking

And before I get a flood of angry messages from people saying ‘affairs ruin family’ let me state for the record: I KNOW! I’ve lived it. But that only firms my resolve more. When people are risking stable family lives for a connection, however brief, with someone else it makes me wonder if we are genetically wired to stay with just one person.

We’re brought up believing that monogamy is the morally correct way to live our lives but are we designed for it?

This sounds a little random but stick with me … I was recently invited to go into a penguin enclosure at a local zoo and saw these hilariously cute creatures up close.

Hocking said that having an open relationship at the start could be a great bridging tool to close the gap from single to taken.
Getty Images

The zookeeper was telling us some facts about their mating habits and it was pretty fascinating.

He revealed that while most penguin species are monogamous (one male breeds with one female during a mating season), research has shown that some females may have up to three partners in one season (floozies!) and some males may have one or two partners.

Mate selection is up to the female, and it is the females that compete for the males.

Not so different to the current state of dating, if we’re being honest.

Yes, even in the animal kingdom monogamy isn’t guaranteed.

In fact, among mammals, just 9 percent of species are monogamous and among primates, just 29 percent are.

And to further prove my point biologist, and evolutionary psychologist David P. Barash asks in his book Out of Eden if monogamy doesn’t come naturally to humans – why does society insist on it?

He found that monogamy is losing ground to instincts with much deeper roots in human history.

You see, we weren’t always monogamous. No, no.

That concept has only been around for the last 1000 years.

Anyone who has been in a stable long-term relationship will quickly realize what a cesspit the current dating scene is, Jana Hocking wrote. Getty Images

Before that, primates were solitary and preferred to live in isolation only coming together to mate.

To be fair, I think many of us still live like primates, only coming out of our Netflix binge sessions to occasionally flirt and throw a leg over. Joking. Kind of.

As someone who is afraid of commitment and yet definitely wants a relationship, I’ve recently been thinking that perhaps an open relationship at the start could be a great bridging tool to close the gap from single to taken.

“I am beginning to believe that an open relationship is key to a better relationship,” Hocking wrote. Jana Hocking/Instagram

It takes away the pressure so many of us feel of being trapped in a relationship.

With open communication from the very beginning perhaps it could be the secret to taking that scary first step.

And a heck load cheaper than a year’s worth of therapy.

And honestly, nine times out of 10 if we know we at least have the option of throwing our net wider in the dating pool, we probably won’t want to.

I believe it will most likely lead to a closed relationship once we get comfy with the idea of a partnership.

Plus, it takes away the horrid, sneaky, guilt-inducing aspect of monogamy.

I think it’s normal to want to explore outside your relationship but trust me the grass is not greener my friends.

This also assures me that opening a relationship isn’t necessarily a threat to your current relationship.

Anyone who has been in a stable long-term relationship will quickly realize what a cesspit the current dating scene is.

Sure, many people who shacked up before dating apps may feel like they are missing out on a romping good time.

Hocking continued to write “I think it’s normal to want to explore outside your relationship but trust me the grass is not greener my friends.” jana_hocking/Instagram

But once they’ve been ghosted, or catfished they will realise they’ve actually missed out on nothing.

So here’s a modern idea; let them.

I am beginning to believe that an open relationship is key to a better relationship.

Not holding each other back.

Giving each other freedom and being completely open and honest about it. It’s certainly a thought …

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking.

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I’m dating my friend’s ex – she doesn’t want me to tell him

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-plus-year-old single male. I recently started hanging out with one of my friend “Tom’s” ex-girlfriends. It is now turning into more than friends. “Pam” and I both have feelings for each other. She and Tom dated for five months and broke up eight months ago. 

Do I owe it to Tom to ask his permission or tell him I’m seeing her? Pam has asked me to not say anything and to let him find out on his own, which will happen because we have many mutual friends. I want to respect her choice. But also, as Tom’s friend, I feel the right thing to do is tell him. Please advise. I’m stuck between her wishes and doing what I think is right. — STUCK IN THE MIDDLE IN IOWA

DEAR STUCK: Have a talk with Pam. Explain that you are not sure how Tom will react if he sees the two of you arm-in-arm with no warning. He may not care, but he also could be upset that you are dating and hid it from him. Then tell Pam that, in light of your friendship with Tom, you prefer being upfront because it’s respectful and you don’t like keeping secrets.

DEAR ABBY: My mom died a couple of years ago and left behind many collectibles that are worth reselling. I am the oldest of five children and have spent the most time and effort moving out her collection, with a lot of help from two of my siblings, “some” help from one and absolutely none from another one. 

In her last days, Mom mentioned not to “forget about the gold.” She had collected some scrap gold that I sold for $900. I have been sorting through the remaining inventory with no help from any of my siblings. Is it wrong of me not to share that cash with them? — OVERWHELMED SIBLING

DEAR OVERWHELMED: If you truly felt comfortable pocketing the money, you wouldn’t be asking me this question. Listen to your conscience and share the proceeds from the sale of the precious metal with your siblings. To leave one of them out would guarantee an estrangement. 

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine was asked to leave a restaurant after the check had been paid because people were waiting for tables, and he was highly insulted. My position was that it was courteous to leave because people were waiting to have their dinner. He felt the waitress had no right to ask their party to leave. What is your take on this? — COURTEOUS IN THE EAST

DEAR COURTEOUS: I consulted Priscilla, operations manager at my favorite restaurant in Beverly Hills, about your question. She explained that some restaurants have a 90-minute time limit for diners to leave the restaurant. (For larger parties, it can be up to 120 minutes.) 

My take on this is that rather than making it the responsibility of the server to ask your friend to give up the table, the manager should have come over and done it. It needn’t be an unpleasant exchange. A manager may sometimes offer the patron a seat at the bar and a free drink or dessert in the name of good customer relations.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I lost my ability to walk and now my boyfriend treats me like garbage

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. In all this time he has never once asked me if I’m OK whenever I have gotten hurt. I got used to it, you might say. Well, I recently lost the ability to walk, and ended up in a nursing home for rehabilitation. My boyfriend would come to visit, but would never ask about progress. Furthermore, when I would show him my progress he wouldn’t act happy. 

Now I’m home, and he treats me like garbage. I don’t know why. When I brought it up, he said he doesn’t know why. Should I end this relationship so I can find someone who’s supportive and who will help me get back to 100%? Or should I stay and work on this relationship? I’m less and less happy every day. — HURTING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HURTING: Your boyfriend of 11 years is not a nurturer. That he doesn’t ask if you are hurt or injured shows he lacks empathy. If I had to hazard a guess, I would opine that he treats you like garbage now because he’s mad at you for needing his help and support. No amount of working on this will fix what’s missing in his character. Unless you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life, get rid of him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a co-worker I share an office with. We are cordial, but not friends. The problem is she chews gum most of the day with her mouth open, and occasionally pops it. The noises she makes are extremely disturbing and they disgust me. I have taken to wearing headphones and listening to music as often as possible to tune out her noises, but it feels a bit rude and isn’t practical for all day. I’m on the verge of snapping at her. Is there a kind way I can alert her of the problem without disrupting our working relationship? — ABOUT TO POP OFF

DEAR POP: Have a congenial chat with this co-worker and ask her to let you know when she’s going to pop in a piece of gum so you can pop on your headphones. It beats popping your cork in frustration.

DEAR ABBY: I’m friends with a man in his late 70s, 20 years my senior. I’m concerned about his mobility. He’s an independent spirit who lives alone. Lately, I have noticed his strength and balance are diminished, and I know falls are serious for seniors. I have shared my worries with him, but he’s proud and won’t change his habits. Can you recommend a way I can talk to him constructively about my concerns? — YOUNGER GUY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR YOUNGER GUY: You have already tried discussing this with your friend. You might be able to get through to him if you TELL him you have noticed his balance issues, and that there is help for them IF he tells his doctor what’s been happening. A physical therapist may be able to help him remedy his problem, but only if he asks.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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My coworker stole money meant for disabled people

DEAR ABBY: I have a moral and ethical dilemma. I nominated a co-worker for a benefit through our company. The person was awarded what I consider to be a good sum ($5,000) for replacement hearing aids.

Seven months have gone by and this person “still has the check” and hasn’t used the money for its intended purpose. They bought two “beater” cars and took a trip to New York City. I feel like I was duped. Should I call the hotline and let the foundation know my suspicions, or let it go? I feel that this person got away with what I feel are dirty deeds. What to do? — REGRETTING IT IN THE WEST

DEAR REGRETTING IT: “What to do” is contact the foundation that sent the generous check, explain your concerns and leave the ball in their court. They may, indeed, wish to follow up — and possibly inform the police — if there was fraud involved.

DEAR ABBY: I’m stuck in a rut here. My girlfriend is anxious and depressed. I love her very much, and I want to help her. I understand that someone with anxiety and depression can be a handful, but sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with too much. My girlfriend is so deep in this state that no matter how I try, it seems like she doesn’t want my help at all. How do I deal with this? I feel like I’m going mad. — NEED GUIDANCE IN THE EAST

DEAR GUIDANCE: I am sure you love your girlfriend very much, but it is important to realize that depression and anxiety are medical conditions. You cannot “fix” them. The most helpful thing you can do for your girlfriend would be to convince her to discuss what’s going on with her doctor so she can be referred to a licensed mental health provider. Medications are available that could help her, as well as talk therapy, which she may also need.

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been a dental assistant for more than 20 years, and I’d like to share an observation with your readers. Over the years, we’ve seen many patients who diligently take care of their oral hygiene. Then, suddenly, we notice decay both clinically and on X-rays — after years of no decay. We ask them, “Are you taking a new medication that’s causing dry mouth? Have you started drinking some different beverage? Have you been eating more sweets?” More often than not, they tell us nothing’s changed.

The problem often is sugar where they don’t expect it — in fiber supplements, meal replacement shakes, gummy vitamins, chewable antacids, vitamin water, etc. Many of these items contain a surprising amount of sugar. Please encourage your readers to read the nutrition labels of their supplements. It could save their teeth. — ANTI-DECAY IN DALLAS

DEAR ANTI-DECAY: Thank you very much for educating my readers and me. This is something I had never considered, and I’ll bet many of them haven’t either. Your letter is an important one, and I hope they will heed it as I plan to.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I want to be in a ‘throuple’ with married friends

DEAR ABBY: I’m a woman in my early 50s who has been through two divorces. This may make me sound like a bad person, but I’m really nice and quite conservative. I just make poor choices when it comes to men.

A few years ago, I met a woman I have become good friends with. She’s happily married. She and her husband are empty nesters, like I am. We often socialize, and when we do there is definite chemistry between the three of us.

I’ve recently heard of the concept of a “throuple,” which is consenting adults living together as any couple would, except there are three rather than two. I can’t help but wonder whether my friend, her husband and I might make a good throuple. This is not a case of rushing into something. We have known each other for several years and have established trust and compatibility.

I’m nervous to bring this up because I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. I’m also scared about how deeply I feel for both of these people, and I think it’s mutual. I don’t like being single, and the thought of dating again gives me hives. What should I do? — FOUND THE RIGHT ONES OUT WEST

DEAR FOUND: Carefully consider which will give you worse hives. After two divorces, you are now in a position to make wiser decisions about men in the future, provided you’re willing to risk dipping your toe into the dating pool. 

It’s very possible that, as much as this couple likes you, they may not be enthusiastic about the idea of a throuple. Proposing what you have in mind may put a crimp in your relationship with one — or both — of them. Unless you can find a way to casually gauge their reaction to “throupling” hypothetically in the course of a conversation, allow me to share a bit of wisdom that has served me well: When in doubt — don’t!

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter’s husband has not bonded with their youngest child. He won’t hold her or play with her, and barely acknowledges her existence. When, through therapy, our daughter learned to confront the issue, he admitted he just doesn’t feel anything for the child. 

In truth, he’s not much more attentive to their 3-year-old. He would rather play video games than interact with his children or his wife. As far as we know, he isn’t physically abusive toward the children or our daughter, but he is definitely verbally abusive. 

Having been a victim of abuse myself, I am well aware that verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse and, in fact, is sometimes a precursor to physical abuse. As grandparents, is there anything we can do, or must we watch these precious little girls be starved for affection from their father? — AWARE IN TEXAS

DEAR AWARE: While you cannot force your son-in-law to be a better parent — or husband — you CAN encourage your daughter to continue her therapy so she can become more assertive, not only for the sake of her children, but also for herself. It may give her the strength to end the marriage. In the meantime, continue to love your grandchildren and give them the positive reinforcement and all the attention they deserve so they learn what healthy relationships feel like.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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The woman I like is perfect, but her children have a serious problem

DEAR ABBY: I am friendly with a woman who is wonderful and caring. She calls to ask how I’m doing, drops off coffee to say hi, etc. She has a great heart and soul. Our boys are close in age. That’s the problem — I do not like her children. 

Her kids are difficult and they run roughshod over her. She knows discipline is a problem, but she’s at a loss. My children don’t enjoy playing with them, either. Her kids are careless and don’t listen to authority. I want to continue our friendship, but I like her better without the children in tow. Should I speak up or fade away? — CONDITIONAL FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: Your friend’s children can’t be blamed for things they were never taught. Tell your friend that when her kids visit your home, you will be establishing some “house rules.” If you do, you may be doing that entire family a favor. If her kids cannot comply, inform her that your children no longer want to play with hers and why. She needs that information before her kids become social outcasts. If your friendship with her fades after that, and I sincerely hope it won’t, then que sera, sera.

DEAR ABBY: I have no family and few friends — nobody close. My live-in girlfriend of two years and I argue constantly. We no longer share a bedroom, and I feel more like a roommate. I honestly feel I’m being used for money. Her 24-year-old son died from an overdose two months ago, so I can’t help but feel sorry for her. She isn’t working, and I don’t know when she can return. 

I don’t have the money to move. I wish I did. I’m miserable, she’s miserable and I feel stuck. I’m 46; she’s 44. I pay rent and 50% of the utilities, which is fine. But how can I ever get out? Moving isn’t cheap anymore. 

I’m desperate for hope that I’m not stuck here forever. I’m afraid if I move — even if I live in a tent for now — she will give up on everything. She has two grown kids, but she was closest to the one who passed. I feel guilty for wanting and needing to leave. At the same time, I’m miserable. She’s in therapy and on medicine. Please advise. — WITHOUT HOPE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR WITHOUT HOPE: Start saving whatever money you can and explore options for other living arrangements, including renting a single room. Staying where you are under these circumstances will make you sick if you don’t take control of your life. Your former girlfriend is under the care of a doctor. You are NOT her lifeline. She will survive. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: The Year of the Rabbit begins today. In Chinese culture, the rabbit is known to be the luckiest of all 12 animals in the zodiac. People born in the Year of the Rabbit are calm and peaceful. They avoid fighting and arguing, are artistic and have good taste. However, they may be insecure and sensitive and dislike criticism, which causes them to be averse to change. I wish a happy, healthy new year to all who are celebrating this holiday. — LOVE, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I’m a scientist of human evolution — men have 3 top dating ‘red flags’

Don’t say he didn’t warn you.

Writer and scientist Macken Murphy took to TikTok last week to reveal his hypothesis for the three most common red flags that women should look out for when dating men.

Murphy, an Oxford University-educated cognitive and evolutionary anthropologist, has declared it a bad sign if a man has no friends, has an unfaithful parent and regularly insults his partner — a manipulative practice often referred to as “negging.”

The viral video, posted Friday, has already climbed to over 1.3 million views on the app

“Kind of a sad one, but male-male friendships are much easier to maintain than male-female romantic relationships,” Murphy began of his red flag philosophy. “And so if a guy can’t maintain guy friends, that is a strong signal that he won’t be able to maintain you.”

Murphy then went on to warn that history has been known to repeat itself. “It’s partly genetic, and some research indicates that the genes that influence infidelity differ between the sexes,” he said. “So that’s just to say that all else being equal, a guy with an unfaithful father is more likely to cheat on you.”

A 2017 study, reported by Psychology Today, found that to be true. Among those taking part in the survey who admitted to being unfaithful in their marriage, 35% of them also reported infidelity in their own parents’ relationships.

If a man has no friends, Murphy advises women to watch out.
Tiktok / mackenmurphy
Macken Murphy explained that cheating can run in the family.
Tiktok / mackenmurphy


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Many commenters seemed to agree with Murphy’s sentiments about “negging.”
Tiktok / mackenmurphy


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Murphy’s final red flag should be obvious, he insisted — while referring to American author and psychologist David Buss, who discussed the concept of “mate-value.”

“I learned from Dr. David Buss that a man with low mate-value will often put down a woman. He wants to reduce her self perceived mate-value, her self-esteem, in order to get her to lower her standards and accept him as a mate,” Murphy elaborated.

In the American Psychological Association dictionary, mate value describes how one has assessed themselves or others in terms of their desirability and viability as a romantic or life partner. So a person who thinks little of themself may resort to “negging” others for a self-esteem boost.

He continued, “So my third red flag is a guy negging you. Don’t internalize his signaling, recognize it for what it is: a strong signal that you can do better.”

In the comments section of Murphy’s video, many people seemed to agree with his assessment — especially the last one.

“Negging only ever amps up and gets worse,” someone wrote. “And worse. And worse. Til it’s full-blown abuse.”

Another user agreed, writing, “The negging part is so true, I’d love to see it more widely recognized for what it is.”

“100% agree!” one viewer commented. “My ex doesn’t have any long-lasting male friendships & he used to neg me.”

Some, however, did not want to take his advice.

“1. Makes no sense just bc someone is anti-social doesn’t mean they can’t maintain relationships,” they typed.

One TikToker questioned, “But what if you don’t want friends? I like isolation I call my dad maybe every. 3 days, read, work, hobbies, workout.”

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I feel alone in my marriage so I have online relationships

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 37 years to an alcoholic. He is not verbally or physically abusive. 

I have been online talking to three men. I think one of them is obsessed with me, and they all say they love me. I know this isn’t going anywhere, but why am I doing this? I don’t know these men at all. I don’t see them in person. Two are supposedly on a ship; the other is in the Army. They don’t know where I live. I have told them I’m older than they are; I’m 66. (They are 37, 47 and 57.) 

I know a person can feel alone in a marriage. That’s how I felt for years. Now I just feel like we’re roommates. I’d appreciate any insight you might have about why I’m doing this. — LIVING A SOAP OPERA

DEAR LIVING: I suspect you engage in these online relationships because you are lonely and seeking validation that you aren’t receiving from your husband. It is also probably exciting to feel you are attractive to men after living with someone who is uninterested and unresponsive for so many years. It’s sad that you have had to resort to emotional affairs to supply what is missing in your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My brother has a debilitating illness that landed him in the hospital. While he was there, he had a birthday. I called him to say “Happy Birthday,” but kept it short because he sounded weak. The next day, I received a scathing text from my sister, fuming that my phone call wasn’t long enough. Her text concluded with, “Just remember, you are healthy and he is sick!” 

I was crushed at her words, but also confused because she didn’t bother to tell me he was hospitalized until 10 days had passed. This kind of thing has gone on for years. I was the one who took care of our elderly parents when my siblings couldn’t be bothered. They didn’t even take the time to check in on my husband after he lost his sister unexpectedly. 

What I am grappling with is this: Is it time to walk away? I don’t deserve the hurt they are causing. I suppose it’s the age-old question: Would I be better with or without them? Your thoughts, please. — DEEPLY WOUNDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR DEEPLY WOUNDED: This appears to be another example of the adage “no good deed goes unpunished.” Your question can be answered by simply sitting down and listing the pros and cons of continuing a relationship with your sister. If the “cons” outnumber the “pros,” you will know what to do.

DEAR ABBY: I am dating a widow. Her husband passed three years ago, but she still carries a lot of feelings for him. This weekend would have been their wedding anniversary. She has been very moody all this week. Should I give her space this weekend to deal with her emotions by herself? Or should I try to be there for her? I do not want to disrespect her or her husband’s memory. — UNCERTAIN IN TEXAS

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Talk to her. Tell your lady friend you can see that she’s not herself. Ask if there is anything you can do to help her, and then listen. If you do, she will tell you what she needs from you, whether it’s some space or a willing ear to vent her feelings.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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My wife left me for my best man

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, “Jenny,” and I were together seven years, married for almost five of them. We have a young child together. We have been divorced for eight months. I have been trying to reconcile with her because she is the love of my life and I want our family to be together.

The problem is, since we separated, she has been seeing my ex-best friend, “Mack,” who was the best man at our wedding. I was crushed when I found out. I have tried to show Jenny that Mack is a manipulator and a liar and that he hasn’t been honest with her during their time together.

I know that I am clearly the best man for Jenny, our son and our family. However, she continues to see Mack even after his true colors have been shown and after I have done everything to make things right with us and win her back. How should I proceed, knowing she’s making the wrong decision? ⁠— RIGHTING A WRONG

DEAR RIGHTING: Please accept my sympathy because it’s obvious you are hurting. You can’t save your marriage all by yourself. It takes two. Your ex is unwilling to accept that Mack hasn’t been honest, and sometimes people must learn the hard way. As much as you’d like to “save” Jenny, she’s going to have to make her own mistakes. Stay close so you can buffer your son if there are stormy seas ahead. If Mack is as bad as you say, their romance likely will not last.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two adult sons, 22 and 20. We helped them become independent by teaching them as teenagers to cook, do their laundry, scrub their bathrooms, vacuum, do dishes, etc.

Our oldest moved out a year ago and rented an apartment with his 28-year-old girlfriend. A month after he moved, we were invited to their place for dinner. The apartment was a mess. We let our son know they need to spend 15 to 30 minutes every day picking up after themselves so their days off won’t be spent cleaning. They both work crazy hours.

Neither one thinks cleaning their apartment is important! We have bought them cleaning supplies, a vacuum, a mop, etc., to help them maintain their apartment, but they sit unused. Their place is now a total disaster. It pains me to see them live like this. This isn’t how our son was raised.

By the way, she is the mother of a 5-year-old who stays with her three days a week. Part of me wants to call CPS because no child should live in these conditions, but I’m hesitant because of my son. He loves her and enjoys living with her. I desperately need advice on how to best handle this. ⁠— FASTIDIOUS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FASTIDIOUS: I understand that you are disgusted, but the “best way to handle this” would be to step back and stay out of it. This is how your son has chosen to live — for now. If he is bothered by the mess, he’s capable of stepping in to rectify it. You should not call CPS unless the child is in imminent danger.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I’m happy now that my abusive ex is dead

DEAR ABBY: I have been a widow for six months. My late husband was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. I spent numerous nights in the ER waiting to be seen and nursed many black eyes throughout the years. During all those years of abuse, which was witnessed by numerous friends and family, I remained faithful and dedicated to him and our marriage, but due to the toxicity of our relationship I was severely depressed and needed antidepressants. I tried many times to get him help and had family interventions, only to end up being threatened with getting all my teeth knocked out.

My dilemma is that one of our friends has become more than just a friend. This man is a kind, caring individual and has done more for me this last couple of weeks than my husband did my entire marriage. I have been so happy recently, but I feel guilty for feeling this way and wonder if I should be ashamed for not grieving longer. I feel maybe I’m doing something wrong by being happy and not having to deal with the abuse. What do you think? — SURVIVOR IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SURVIVOR: What I think is that you should be grateful you are free of your abusive late husband. I see no reason why you should feel guilty for not grieving the death of that disturbed individual. That said, it’s very important you take your time before getting into another exclusive relationship. You are extremely vulnerable now. You need to heal from the years of abuse you experienced, and possibly receive counseling to ensure you don’t drift toward the “familiar” or overlook warning signs of another potential abuser.

DEAR ABBY: My husband’s brother and his family live out of state. They never invite my husband’s parents to spend any holiday with them. In fact, they initiate no visits with them at all or travel to the area where we live. (We live in the same city as my in-laws).

My dilemma: I do not want to have my husband’s parents at our house for every holiday dinner we host. My children are getting older (one is married), and we don’t see them often. Sometimes I want to get together with just our immediate family, but then I feel guilty if I don’t ALWAYS include the in-laws. I think my husband’s brother should step up to the plate and invite his parents for at least one holiday. I don’t think it’s fair to expect us to always have them at our house. What do you think? — NEEDING A BREAK IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDING: I agree that this pattern — established heaven knows how long ago — has placed an unfair burden on you. Your husband is long overdue for a conversation with his brother to see if something can be worked out. However, if your brother-in-law is unwilling, you may have to have your smaller family celebrations the night before or night after the holiday.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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