Tag: dating advice

My boyfriend is addicted to porn

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. Over those years, he has acquired an addiction to porn. He refuses to admit he is addicted and insists that it’s perfectly normal. I’m usually not one to judge, but it has reached the point that it’s affecting our sex life. 

I can’t remember the last time we had a moment to ourselves that didn’t start with him spending all day watching porn. I tried getting involved with it myself hoping we’d find a common interest we could bond over, but he doesn’t seem to want me involved at all. 

I feel like I’m being cheated on, as silly as that sounds. I’m struggling with my body image because of this. I feel like I’m never going to be adequate enough for him to focus on our sex life. How do I compete with porn? — SHUT OUT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SHUT OUT: You don’t. Tell your boyfriend that his reliance on porn is negatively affecting your self-esteem and you are no longer willing to be involved with him because of it. If he’s in love with you and willing to work on the problem, there are resources available to him. (Twelve-step programs come immediately to mind.) If he isn’t, however, accept that this has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness, and move on.

DEAR ABBY: I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman. Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn’t like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months. I went for counseling and have made a major change in how I treat, talk and make decisions with her. I love my wife with all my heart. I want to protect our marriage and move forward from the affair. 

Our second anniversary is approaching, but she has been interacting with other men. She takes her daughter with another man on play-dates along with his daughter, and goes to the park with another man for three hours. (He was a single dad having a BBQ.) The third one is a guy she goes with to the park, splash pads, public swimming pool and a water-slide park. They text each other often. One guy is a married stay-at-home dad. He has cheated on his wife before.

Am I wrong to think this is unacceptable for a married woman? Any advice would be absolutely appreciated. — BEWILDERED IN CANADA 

DEAR BEWILDERED: It’s time for joint counseling, with a new therapist for you and your wife. I can’t think of a better way to drive her away than continuing to obsess about what she “may” be doing on these outings. It is hard to envision her carrying on flagrantly with a child in tow; the activities you describe seem distinctly family-oriented to me. It appears you still expect her to conform to your idea of how a married woman “should” behave, or you’re having serious trust issues. More counseling for you may be in order if your marriage is going to last.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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My aunt is a money-hungry, conniving thief

DEAR ABBY: My aunt is a money-hungry, conniving thief. From the time I was a baby, she always bought me gifts. But when her parents (my grandparents) died, she literally stole more than $200,000 from them. She claims my grandfather willed it all to her, which is not true because he detested her. She promised my mom $5,000 when she retired. Well, it has been 10 years since Mom retired, and my aunt claims she doesn’t remember promising her. Then she claimed she invested and lost it. Do I have a right to be angry at her? — MAD IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MAD: I think so, and your mother has the right to be even angrier. My question for you is how much time do you want to waste nursing the grudge? It doesn’t hurt your aunt, but it takes up space in your head that could be devoted to positive endeavors. This is not to say you must maintain a relationship with this woman. Quite the contrary. 

DEAR ABBY: We have been visiting our children and have been asked to remove our shoes when inside. I am diabetic. I have been complying with the no-shoes edicts, but reluctantly. We keep our shoes on in our home, so spending several days padding around in my socks makes me uncomfortable.

Abby, diabetics are cautioned to keep their shoes on at all times, even inside. There are real risks to a diabetic’s feet. Also, I have trouble navigating stairs and slipped several times while climbing or descending the stairs in my stocking feet. It’s dangerous for me to go up and down uncarpeted wood steps. It seems to me that the no-shoes folk should think about some of these issues before issuing a mandate. — DIABETIC DAD IN MISSOURI

DEAR DAD: Do nothing that is counter to your doctor’s orders. If you haven’t explained them to your children, do it now. Perhaps a compromise could work: Buy a pair of shoes or slippers for indoor use only that you leave at their home for the times when you visit. However, if they are not open to this idea, you will have to visit with them only outside their home.

DEAR ABBY: I like this guy at work. I think he’s cute, but I don’t know if he’s interested. I also don’t know if there’s a chance he would ask me out. I’m scared I might be considered a “cougar.” I am older than he is by five (or more) years. Please advise. — ANXIOUS IN MARYLAND

DEAR ANXIOUS: Are there any rules at work that discourage employees from dating each other? Some businesses have them. Does this guy spend time talking with you during breaks? If he does, it’s a hopeful sign. Has he mentioned what he does outside of work and whether he’s seeing anyone? If he does flirt with you, you could always ask if he’d be interested in meeting for a drink after work, going to a sporting event, etc. But be prepared that he may want you only for a friend. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I’m afraid my siblings will bully me if I tell them I’m bisexual

DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl who has recently discovered I am bisexual. I told a few close friends, and I’m happy to say they have accepted me. Nothing has changed. I have not told any of my family yet. I know my parents will support me, but the problem is two of my four siblings. They constantly tease and taunt me, call me names and pick on me. 

I have been raised to stand up to bullies, and I am mostly confident with myself. I have brought up their bullying to my parents a couple of times, but after discipline from my parents they keep doing it. They are clearly homophobic, and I know they will tease and pick on me even more if I come out to them. 

I want to tell my parents, but I’m afraid it will inevitably lead to my siblings knowing. I don’t think if my younger siblings knew they would care, but they might be confused or weirded out since the concept is foreign to them. 

Should I try to convince my parents not to say anything to my siblings until later? I don’t want to hide, but I don’t want to be pushed to depression, low self-esteem or worse if my vocal homophobic siblings know and chastise me about my sexual orientation. — NEW LGBTQ+ MEMBER

DEAR MEMBER: Your siblings are not necessarily “homophobic.” They may just get a kick out of making their younger sister uncomfortable, and whatever punishment they receive is not sufficient to curb the problem. Whether your parents divulge it, your sexual orientation will become apparent sooner or later, so don’t bother hiding. You have friends and parents who support you. Handling negative comments from your immature sibs will give you the confidence to handle others in the future. 

You may want to consider joining a LGBTQ-friendly youth group for additional support. Your parents can find ways to help you by contacting an organization called PFLAG (pflag.org). It’s the first and largest organization for LGBTQ people, their parents, families and allies. You are an intelligent teen who is in the process of discovering who you are, and for that I applaud you.

DEAR ABBY: Over the last year and a half, I’ve been in a relationship with someone I have known for a lifetime. He’s married but working on getting a divorce. He has promised we will do things together once everything is settled. There have been several recent deaths in his family, including a grandchild who was killed by a drunk driver. 

Until a week ago we talked daily, when he told me he needed some time to think and get everything straight. I offered to return the things of his that I have. He said not to, and repeated that he just needed some time. His family has leaned on him for years. I’m sure he is overwhelmed. Should I wait and see what’s next or mend my heart and move on? — STANDING BY IN THE EAST

DEAR STANDING BY: As you are probably aware, I have printed many letters from women who were strung along far longer than two years. Back off. Give him six months to get his head and his life straight and to get that divorce filed. If nothing has changed by then, you will have devoted only two years of your life to the affair, and you should move on.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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