Tag: marriage

My terminally ill wife is cheating on me — I want to leave but I can’t

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have known each other for 25 years. We married five years ago. At that time, I was making 500-mile round trips twice a month to visit my children from my first marriage. I was, and still am, crazy about her. 

However, two years ago, my wife admitted to a long-term romantic affair with a married man who has two children. She also admitted that she was waiting for him to leave his wife, and that he was waiting for her to leave me before moving in and eventually moving away together, and perhaps marrying. 

Shortly after this came out, she became critically ill. She requires 24-hour care, and I have been at her side, monitoring her health and taking her blood pressure. She flatlined once at the hospital, and if I hadn’t been in the room at the time, she would have died. 

My wife refuses to give me any details about the affair. There have been signs that she may still be in touch with him, and I think his wife should know. She becomes hysterical at that suggestion, which raises her blood pressure dangerously high. I feel trapped. I fear that if I leave her, she would have no one to care for her and might die. What do you advise? — DEEP IN THE DRAMA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DEEP: You are no more trapped than you wish to be. There can be no marriage without trust. If your wife were truly contrite about her affair, she would tell you everything.

Because you think she may still be in contact with her lover, and in light of the fact that she refuses to come clean, discuss this with an attorney who can explain to you what your responsibilities would be if you were to divorce her after five years of marriage. You should not be forced to be her caregiver under these circumstances. 

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old grandson, “Lucas,” and I are very close. His mother (my daughter) allowed me to have him any time I wanted. I would even take him on vacation with me. When he was going into first grade, his mom informed me she was going into rehab, so he started living with me. Lucas is now in sixth grade and back living with his mom. 

My daughter has two other boys and lives with their father. Lucas’ dad is not in his life. I have always been there for him. She isn’t a bad mom, but Lucas doesn’t like living with her. My daughter now plans to move 40 minutes away and transfer Lucas to a new school. I’m very worried for him. I’m the reason he has a social life. He has been in Boy Scouts with the same boys for five years. What am I to do? Let him go? — BESIDE MYSELF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BESIDE MYSELF: Unless you can convince your daughter to agree to allow Lucas to stay with you so he can remain socially active with his peer group, I think you have no choice but to let him go. Sixth and seventh grades are a difficult time for a child to start a new school because cliques have usually formed by then. You are a caring grandparent, and I wish you luck. Start campaigning now.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I met my soulmate but there’s one problem — I’m married

DEAR ABBY: I am married, but my wife and I are unhappy and have been for years. We grew apart after 17 years. We tried counseling multiple times; it only reinforces the decision to divorce. I have had two affairs. One lasted six months; the other on and off for the past nine months. 

The latter lady, “Gayle,” and I have an amazing connection in our lifestyles and beliefs. We even have the same birthday. It’s undeniable. We also have chemistry like no other. The problem is, she doesn’t think we will work. We take breaks, which only lead her to want to see me weeks later. 

I have professed my love for her and, while she hasn’t said it back, everything points to it. When we are intimate, she cries and tells me how much I mean to her. Gayle is strong-willed, independent and lives her life on her terms. When she makes a decision, it’s final. But not with me — she keeps coming back. I have written her numerous letters declaring my love for her. I get lost in her eyes. I don’t want to lose her. Any advice? — DESPERATE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR DESPERATE: Granted, you and Gayle may have amazing chemistry and other things in common, including birthdays. However, relationships are supposed to be mutual. As you have described it, this one is entirely on Gayle’s terms, and she hasn’t told you she loves you. Could it be because you are still married? 

You have important issues to straighten out before you can have an open relationship with Gayle. One of them is whether you are ready to end your unhappy marriage. Once you are a free man, Gayle may be more forthcoming and available. If not, your romance wasn’t meant to be anything more than an exciting interlude. Before pinning your hopes on Gayle, it’s imperative to take control of your own life. 

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Both of us were widowed. My husband has a cemetery plot next to his first wife. In a nearby city, I have a cemetery plot next to my first husband, which includes a combined headstone with my name already engraved. Our plan was to leave it to our children to make the arrangements when the time comes, but we realize it may not be fair to them. 

We both believe funerals are for the living and not for the dead, but I don’t think it’s fair to ignore my new husband’s last name in my final resting place. Neither do I want to negate my relationship of 23 years with my first husband. What would be the proper way to resolve this so none of our children feel disrespected in relation to their parents? We all have close relationships with each other. — PERPLEXED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR PERPLEXED: The first thing to do is discuss this dilemma with your children and explain your wishes. Then contact the cemetery and inquire about adding your married name to the existing headstone or purchasing a new headstone for your eventual final resting place. It’s certainly worth asking.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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Suzanne Somers says she ‘spoils’ her husband after shocking sex reveal

Suzanne Somers loves to give her husband of over 45 years Alan Hamel anything he needs.

In a new interview with First For Women, the 76-year-old actress discussed their decades-long union.

“We compliment and spoil one another,” the “Three’s Company” alum said. “It’s about honoring and respecting one another and giving your partner what they need.”

“He starts off my day in a romantic bliss, and we just try to keep it going,” Somers added. “Every morning he makes me coffee and brings it to me in bed.”

Somer’s comments came following her candid revelation that she has sex with Hamel about three times a day.

In 2021, the mother of one opened up on Heather Dubrow’s podcast that because of “hormones,” the lovebirds have had “a lot of sex” in recent months.

Alan Hammel and Suzanne Somers have been married since 1977.
Patrick McMullan via Getty Images

“At this stage of life, most people think that’s, you know, over the hill, too much information,” she said at the time.

The ThighMaster inventor continued: “But what time is it, like noon? I’ve had sex with him three times so far today. What is it about 4:30 in the morning that suddenly, there he is? I’m going, ‘Could you just wait until the sun comes up?’”

God, our relationship has always been amazing,” she said. “But now that our kids are raised and it’s just me and Al, and we paid for the tuition, we paid for the weddings and helped them get their start – now it’s just us. Man, are we having fun.”

“We compliment and spoil one another,” the “Three’s Company” star said.
WireImage

The “Step by Step” icon also touched upon her marriage and how she keeps it going in another interview with First For Women.

“I realized that [in] a great relationship, you give each other a lot of attention, or why else go into the relationship? We truly give each other a lot of attention,” Somers revealed.

She said that her husband “loves the way I look” and “I love the way he looks.”

“I must tell him I love him at least 10, 20 times a day. I wake up and the first thing he says to me is, ‘I love you so much.’  So I start my day off in bliss,” she said.

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I feel alone in my marriage so I have online relationships

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 37 years to an alcoholic. He is not verbally or physically abusive. 

I have been online talking to three men. I think one of them is obsessed with me, and they all say they love me. I know this isn’t going anywhere, but why am I doing this? I don’t know these men at all. I don’t see them in person. Two are supposedly on a ship; the other is in the Army. They don’t know where I live. I have told them I’m older than they are; I’m 66. (They are 37, 47 and 57.) 

I know a person can feel alone in a marriage. That’s how I felt for years. Now I just feel like we’re roommates. I’d appreciate any insight you might have about why I’m doing this. — LIVING A SOAP OPERA

DEAR LIVING: I suspect you engage in these online relationships because you are lonely and seeking validation that you aren’t receiving from your husband. It is also probably exciting to feel you are attractive to men after living with someone who is uninterested and unresponsive for so many years. It’s sad that you have had to resort to emotional affairs to supply what is missing in your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My brother has a debilitating illness that landed him in the hospital. While he was there, he had a birthday. I called him to say “Happy Birthday,” but kept it short because he sounded weak. The next day, I received a scathing text from my sister, fuming that my phone call wasn’t long enough. Her text concluded with, “Just remember, you are healthy and he is sick!” 

I was crushed at her words, but also confused because she didn’t bother to tell me he was hospitalized until 10 days had passed. This kind of thing has gone on for years. I was the one who took care of our elderly parents when my siblings couldn’t be bothered. They didn’t even take the time to check in on my husband after he lost his sister unexpectedly. 

What I am grappling with is this: Is it time to walk away? I don’t deserve the hurt they are causing. I suppose it’s the age-old question: Would I be better with or without them? Your thoughts, please. — DEEPLY WOUNDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR DEEPLY WOUNDED: This appears to be another example of the adage “no good deed goes unpunished.” Your question can be answered by simply sitting down and listing the pros and cons of continuing a relationship with your sister. If the “cons” outnumber the “pros,” you will know what to do.

DEAR ABBY: I am dating a widow. Her husband passed three years ago, but she still carries a lot of feelings for him. This weekend would have been their wedding anniversary. She has been very moody all this week. Should I give her space this weekend to deal with her emotions by herself? Or should I try to be there for her? I do not want to disrespect her or her husband’s memory. — UNCERTAIN IN TEXAS

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Talk to her. Tell your lady friend you can see that she’s not herself. Ask if there is anything you can do to help her, and then listen. If you do, she will tell you what she needs from you, whether it’s some space or a willing ear to vent her feelings.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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Even with my husband gone, I still get angry about his affair

DEAR ABBY: My husband was the love of my life. I lost him to COVID eight months ago. We were together for 20 years. I know without a doubt that my husband loved me, but during our marriage he had several affairs. He was always sorry for his indiscretions and would shower me with gifts and vacations in the aftermath. 

I was able to forgive him for all his affairs except the last one. It was with a tramp from our church, and it damn near ended our marriage. In fact, I told him to get out and we were done. He begged me to change my mind and swore this was the last time. I agreed to stay, but things were never the same. We left our church because of my embarrassment about their affair, so we lost our friends. 

My problem is, since his passing, I have become very angry all over again. I’m furious at him for this affair and dream about ripping the face off the “Church Lady.” How do I let go of this anger so I can grieve the loss of my husband and remember the love and good times we shared instead of this nasty affair? — MISSING MY MAN IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MISSING: I’m glad you wrote, because it’s important you give yourself the opportunity to vent about your feelings. A constructive way to do that would be to talk with a licensed therapist or with your spiritual adviser. Did you ever discuss your reason for leaving the church you loved with the pastor there? If you didn’t, that might be a place to start. 

You also mentioned that in leaving, you left behind valued friendships. It may be time to renew them. And please, stop feeling embarrassed because of your husband’s transgression. He was weak and he was human, and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner your rage may lessen. 

DEAR ABBY: My 80-ish mother has always considered herself an artist, although her paintings are bad at best. She insists on gifting paintings at major events, and also insists that the honorees unwrap the painting in front of guests. At a recent (classy) wedding, she insisted the bride and groom open her gift, although doing it at a wedding isn’t usually done.

The bride and groom were angry and embarrassed, as were the bridal party and guests. The painting was atrocious, and my oblivious mother beamed and grinned and took a bow. She does this at most weddings and events, and I’m mortified each time. The recipients are, without exception, visibly uncomfortable and even angry that she attempts to steal their limelight. Mother doesn’t notice. 

This isn’t dementia; she has always been an attention hog and narcissist. I reached the point that I’m going to avoid any events she is attending. I have begged her not to do this, but she claims I’m “just trying to stifle her creativity” and she’s a gifted artist. Abby, people are laughing behind her back. How do I stop her from doing this? — MORTIFIED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MORTIFIED: Your mother’s craving for attention is not a reflection on you. You have tried to warn her. Now it’s time to let it go. She isn’t going to stop until one of the future recipients reacts by telling her honestly in front of everyone exactly what they think of her “masterpiece.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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My wife left me for my best man

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, “Jenny,” and I were together seven years, married for almost five of them. We have a young child together. We have been divorced for eight months. I have been trying to reconcile with her because she is the love of my life and I want our family to be together.

The problem is, since we separated, she has been seeing my ex-best friend, “Mack,” who was the best man at our wedding. I was crushed when I found out. I have tried to show Jenny that Mack is a manipulator and a liar and that he hasn’t been honest with her during their time together.

I know that I am clearly the best man for Jenny, our son and our family. However, she continues to see Mack even after his true colors have been shown and after I have done everything to make things right with us and win her back. How should I proceed, knowing she’s making the wrong decision? ⁠— RIGHTING A WRONG

DEAR RIGHTING: Please accept my sympathy because it’s obvious you are hurting. You can’t save your marriage all by yourself. It takes two. Your ex is unwilling to accept that Mack hasn’t been honest, and sometimes people must learn the hard way. As much as you’d like to “save” Jenny, she’s going to have to make her own mistakes. Stay close so you can buffer your son if there are stormy seas ahead. If Mack is as bad as you say, their romance likely will not last.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two adult sons, 22 and 20. We helped them become independent by teaching them as teenagers to cook, do their laundry, scrub their bathrooms, vacuum, do dishes, etc.

Our oldest moved out a year ago and rented an apartment with his 28-year-old girlfriend. A month after he moved, we were invited to their place for dinner. The apartment was a mess. We let our son know they need to spend 15 to 30 minutes every day picking up after themselves so their days off won’t be spent cleaning. They both work crazy hours.

Neither one thinks cleaning their apartment is important! We have bought them cleaning supplies, a vacuum, a mop, etc., to help them maintain their apartment, but they sit unused. Their place is now a total disaster. It pains me to see them live like this. This isn’t how our son was raised.

By the way, she is the mother of a 5-year-old who stays with her three days a week. Part of me wants to call CPS because no child should live in these conditions, but I’m hesitant because of my son. He loves her and enjoys living with her. I desperately need advice on how to best handle this. ⁠— FASTIDIOUS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FASTIDIOUS: I understand that you are disgusted, but the “best way to handle this” would be to step back and stay out of it. This is how your son has chosen to live — for now. If he is bothered by the mess, he’s capable of stepping in to rectify it. You should not call CPS unless the child is in imminent danger.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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Russian woman seen kidnapped by man she refused to marry

Shocking video captured the moment a Russian man kidnapped an 18-year-old woman in a medieval custom known as “bride stealing” – after she refused to marry him.

Three men are seen carting off Bella Ravoyan from an apartment building in the city of Tambov and placing her inside a car that took her to the Nizhny Novgorod region, East2West reported.

Her abductors have been identified by police as her rejected beau, 20-year-old Amik Shamoyan, his father, Oganes, 48, and brother Alo, 24.

“Amik was in love with this girl and they kidnapped her,” an acquaintance reportedly told the local gazeta news outlet.

“Bella’s father filed a complaint with the police, and she was returned back. Amik turned himself in to the police,” the person added.

Bella Ravoyan, 18, is seen being abducted after she refused to marry 20-year-old Amik Shamoyan.
social media /east2west

The spurned man has confessed to the kidnapping, according to East2West.

Amik Shamoyan has reportedly confessed to the shocking “bride stealing.”
social media /east2west
Shamoyan, his father, Oganes, 48, and brother Alo, 24, face up to 12 years behind bars.
social media /east2west

Another video allegedly shows Bella’s furious dad laying waste to a cafe owned by the family of the alleged kidnappers as he brandishes a gun.

Bella’s father was captured on video going on a rampage inside a cafe owned by the kidnappers’ family.
social media /east2west

Oganes and Alo remain at large. All three men face up to 12 years behind bars if convicted.

The abduction has been described by some local media outlets as a medieval “bride stealing” custom still prevalent in parts of the country.

Some reports also suggested that Bella and Amik are related.

The Russian Investigative Committee said the two other suspects have been placed on the federal wanted list.

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I’m happy now that my abusive ex is dead

DEAR ABBY: I have been a widow for six months. My late husband was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. I spent numerous nights in the ER waiting to be seen and nursed many black eyes throughout the years. During all those years of abuse, which was witnessed by numerous friends and family, I remained faithful and dedicated to him and our marriage, but due to the toxicity of our relationship I was severely depressed and needed antidepressants. I tried many times to get him help and had family interventions, only to end up being threatened with getting all my teeth knocked out.

My dilemma is that one of our friends has become more than just a friend. This man is a kind, caring individual and has done more for me this last couple of weeks than my husband did my entire marriage. I have been so happy recently, but I feel guilty for feeling this way and wonder if I should be ashamed for not grieving longer. I feel maybe I’m doing something wrong by being happy and not having to deal with the abuse. What do you think? — SURVIVOR IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SURVIVOR: What I think is that you should be grateful you are free of your abusive late husband. I see no reason why you should feel guilty for not grieving the death of that disturbed individual. That said, it’s very important you take your time before getting into another exclusive relationship. You are extremely vulnerable now. You need to heal from the years of abuse you experienced, and possibly receive counseling to ensure you don’t drift toward the “familiar” or overlook warning signs of another potential abuser.

DEAR ABBY: My husband’s brother and his family live out of state. They never invite my husband’s parents to spend any holiday with them. In fact, they initiate no visits with them at all or travel to the area where we live. (We live in the same city as my in-laws).

My dilemma: I do not want to have my husband’s parents at our house for every holiday dinner we host. My children are getting older (one is married), and we don’t see them often. Sometimes I want to get together with just our immediate family, but then I feel guilty if I don’t ALWAYS include the in-laws. I think my husband’s brother should step up to the plate and invite his parents for at least one holiday. I don’t think it’s fair to expect us to always have them at our house. What do you think? — NEEDING A BREAK IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDING: I agree that this pattern — established heaven knows how long ago — has placed an unfair burden on you. Your husband is long overdue for a conversation with his brother to see if something can be worked out. However, if your brother-in-law is unwilling, you may have to have your smaller family celebrations the night before or night after the holiday.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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My boyfriend is addicted to porn

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. Over those years, he has acquired an addiction to porn. He refuses to admit he is addicted and insists that it’s perfectly normal. I’m usually not one to judge, but it has reached the point that it’s affecting our sex life. 

I can’t remember the last time we had a moment to ourselves that didn’t start with him spending all day watching porn. I tried getting involved with it myself hoping we’d find a common interest we could bond over, but he doesn’t seem to want me involved at all. 

I feel like I’m being cheated on, as silly as that sounds. I’m struggling with my body image because of this. I feel like I’m never going to be adequate enough for him to focus on our sex life. How do I compete with porn? — SHUT OUT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SHUT OUT: You don’t. Tell your boyfriend that his reliance on porn is negatively affecting your self-esteem and you are no longer willing to be involved with him because of it. If he’s in love with you and willing to work on the problem, there are resources available to him. (Twelve-step programs come immediately to mind.) If he isn’t, however, accept that this has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness, and move on.

DEAR ABBY: I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman. Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn’t like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months. I went for counseling and have made a major change in how I treat, talk and make decisions with her. I love my wife with all my heart. I want to protect our marriage and move forward from the affair. 

Our second anniversary is approaching, but she has been interacting with other men. She takes her daughter with another man on play-dates along with his daughter, and goes to the park with another man for three hours. (He was a single dad having a BBQ.) The third one is a guy she goes with to the park, splash pads, public swimming pool and a water-slide park. They text each other often. One guy is a married stay-at-home dad. He has cheated on his wife before.

Am I wrong to think this is unacceptable for a married woman? Any advice would be absolutely appreciated. — BEWILDERED IN CANADA 

DEAR BEWILDERED: It’s time for joint counseling, with a new therapist for you and your wife. I can’t think of a better way to drive her away than continuing to obsess about what she “may” be doing on these outings. It is hard to envision her carrying on flagrantly with a child in tow; the activities you describe seem distinctly family-oriented to me. It appears you still expect her to conform to your idea of how a married woman “should” behave, or you’re having serious trust issues. More counseling for you may be in order if your marriage is going to last.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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The father of my child gives all his money away to his mom

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have a child together. I’m 31, and he’s 16 years older. Sometimes I don’t know if our relationship will work out in the long run because he’s so stubborn and set in his ways. I’m more laid-back and easygoing. 

DEAR ALL: You wrote that you are trying to save for your family’s future. Is your fiance giving his mother money that you have been earning, or is it his? If it is his, he can do with it as he pleases — at least until after the wedding. If he is fiscally responsible, he should also be trying to save for the future. However, if he isn’t, recognize that the pattern he has established may not be a sound one for you and your child, and plan accordingly.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 12 years and our relationship has started to suffer. We no longer have dates, we don’t spend any time talking with each other unless it’s about the kids, and the intimacy has faded. 

Dear Abby helps a woman figure out what to do in a marriage that has lost its passion.
Getty Images for The Thalians

A year ago, I asked him to go to a counselor with me. I asked him to be the one to set it up, as I’m always in charge of doctor appointments, bill paying, etc. I wanted him to show he was “all in” to help fix our marriage. I have reminded him to do it several times, but he hasn’t. 

He claims to love me and to want our marriage to thrive, yet he does nothing. Now that the intimacy is completely gone, he all of a sudden wants to work on things. Go figure. I feel hurt and rejected and like throwing in the towel, but we have built a life together and I do love him. I don’t think therapy will work because I’ll feel like I manipulated him to get there by withholding the intimacy. 

I feel sad and defeated. The man I married is gone, replaced by this person who is just going through the motions and using me to take care of his kids and clean his house. Please advise. — ON HOLD IN ARKANSAS

DEAR ON HOLD: Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist and make an appointment — for yourself — for help rebuilding your sagging self-esteem. Because you long ago assumed the role of organizer-arranger in your marriage, it was unrealistic to expect your husband to suddenly pick up the ball. He may not know how. Once you are stronger emotionally, schedule those sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist, as you have all the other appointments during your marriage. Your relationship with your husband does need work, and this is the path to repairing it.

What is bothering me the most right now is his mother constantly asks him for money. It’s not just for little things; it’s for roof and furnace repair and problems with her water heater, washer/dryer, stove and A/C. She’s married, and her husband works. He should be able to provide her with the things they need for their house. 

It’s not like my fiance is rich. He isn’t. I have tried talking to him about it, but it just ends up in an explosive argument. It’s like, why should I even try to save for our family’s future and the things we need for our house if he’s going to keep giving it to his mother every time she asks? Please help. — ALL FOR MAMA 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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