Tag: parenting advice

My friend called me tacky for celebrating finishing my cancer treatments

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to my DNA results, I will have a double mastectomy sometime in the next few months after I finish chemo. I want to celebrate that it was caught early by throwing a “Ta-ta to the Tatas” party complete with crazy wigs, a boob cake and a round of slippery nipple cocktails, a week or so before my surgery. 

One of my friends thinks the idea is tacky and she’s firmly against it. Abby, she can’t even say the word “cancer” aloud; she has to whisper it. Am I wrong? Is it tacky to want to affirm life and flout both fear and death with over-the-top, tacky humor? This kind of humor is how I deal with serious problems. If I can mock the problem, I lessen its power. For me, it’s like celebrating Dia de Los Muertos, but in this case, it’s my breasts that I’m losing, not my life. What do you think? — PARTY MOOD IN MONTANA

DEAR PARTY MOOD: I think you are a brave and strong woman, clearly much more so than your friend. You are dealing with a serious challenge in the healthiest way possible — by facing it head-on. You deserve to be supported by your friends in the months to come, but the woman you have written about is not one of them. She isn’t emotionally strong enough to accompany you on this journey. Don’t blame her, but DO disinvite her. Bottoms up!

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons in their 50s. My older son is kind, attentive and loving. The younger one, “Scott,” is problematic. Both my boys were raised the same, although when they were in their early teens, I divorced their alcoholic father. At that point, I had to work three jobs to keep them fed and sheltered. 

Scott constantly returns to the past and accuses me of never having time for him. He no longer speaks to me, which happens often and can last for long periods. His wrath is directed solely at me, and he accuses me of turning the rest of the family against him. He’s negative and controlling, and the truth is, no one wants to be around him. In addition to posting hurtful things on social media, he now refers to me as the “ice maiden.” 

A close family member advised me to look up the definition of narcissism, and I was shocked to see the description of this disorder fits Scott perfectly. What I have read and researched about narcissism says “stay away” and only counseling will help. He refuses, saying it would be “too hurtful.” Have I lost a son? Is this something I created? — MOM OF A MONSTER

DEAR MOM: Please stop blaming yourself. If you have researched narcissism, you should already know that you didn’t cause Scott’s problem. Whether the estrangement is permanent, only time will tell. In the meantime, protect yourself by no longer trying to engage with him, and block his hurtful social media posts. You can’t fix what’s wrong with your son, and he won’t try to fix himself because he’s enjoying being the injured party.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I pulled my autistic son’s hair and I feel like an awful parent

When Caleb was a little boy, his mom was abusive.

“My dad wasn’t around much, hardly ever saw him. And my mother, due to my autistic traits, would sometimes call me a ‘f—king idiot good for nothing,” he said in a Reddit post.

“So I wanted to be a good parent to my son.”

But no parent is perfect. Even if they promise themselves they will be, that’s no guarantee they won’t do something they regret.

Caleb’s post read like a confession. His autistic son, who is mostly non-verbal, had done a poo and made a mess in the bathroom.

“It got all over the toilet, shower curtain, rug and bathtub. I think he may have been trying to clean up after he messed himself.”


A parent confessed on Reddit after a stressful incident ended with him pulling his mostly non-verbal autistic son’s (not pictured) hair.
Getty Images/iStockphoto

Caleb faced the mess with admirable calm, reminding his son that poo needed to go in the toilet, and asking him if he understood.

“I tried not to be too hard on him, but this was one of the biggest messes he’s ever done.”

Dad takes to Reddit to confess

“After cleaning up a bit, I had to sit him on the toilet and told him to ‘finish in the potty if you need to make more poo.’”

He didn’t need to, but the 10-year-old wasn’t leaning forward far enough to be wiped, so Caleb grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled.

“It was a light pull.

“He didn’t even seem bothered by it, didn’t cry or rub his head as if it hurt.”

But that didn’t stop Caleb feeling awful. As he washed his son off in the shower, he apologized.

“I said, ‘I’m so sorry I pulled your hair. I should not have done that. I’m sorry, I love you.’ He then repeated, ‘I love you.’”

Even though it seemed like he was forgiven by his son, Caleb couldn’t forgive himself.

He looked to the Reddit community for a sounding board, but added that if anyone thought he was an awful parent, he’d agree.

Reddit supports autistic dad

The community flooded the comments with support, telling Caleb he should forgive himself.

“Also autistic,” said one person. “Shit happens (ha!) and we all make mistakes, especially when we’re stressed and tired. You’re going through parenting on hard mode, and it’s only natural that your patience is going to be tested on a regular basis. This is the FIRST time this has happened. You are not your mother.”

“This made me want to cry,” said another person. “Although I don’t have the same challenges or perspective, you sound like you’re doing your best and that you are a genuinely good person and parent. Please forgive yourself.”

“This made me tear up,” a third person wrote. “I am also a parent of an autistic son and it is so goddamn tough sometimes. You are not an awful parent, an awful parent would feel no guilt or shame. You are just under an tremendous amount of stress and you deserve to forgive yourself.”

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My mom got pregnant by IVF at 51 — trolls say it should be illegal

Kayla’s mom already has six children, but at 51, she desperately wanted another baby.

So the mother went about it the best way she knew how: she flew to New York to have two embryos planted.

She became pregnant with a baby and the rest was history, until the trolls showed up.

Kayla posted her mom’s IVF journey on TikTok, thinking followers might find the story of a 51-year-old’s pregnancy interesting.

“The time my mum told me she was going to do IVF at 51 by herself,” Kayla captioned the video that showed her mom lying in a hospital bed, waiting for the IVF procedure.

Some found it interesting, but plenty saw it as open season for criticism and judgement.

TikTok criticises mum for pregnancy at 51

Some people’s comments were curious.

“Doesn’t she want to be free on an island sipping margaritas LOL?” one person asked.

Kayla responded with another video of her mum holding Kayla’s toddler brother. “Fifty-three and celebrating her one-year-old’s birthday at Chucky Cheese,” the caption read.


A woman posted on TikTok about her 51-year-old mother getting IVF treatment.
TikTok

Others didn’t sugar coat.

“Can’t you lose your medical license for doing IVF on anyone over 45,” asked another person.

“My mom had me at 42. Would never do that to my child TBH,” said a third person.

Some were concerned about Kayla’s mom’s life expectancy.

“Being that old, the possibility of the child becoming parentless is scary,” said one.

“I also feel it’s unfair for the child to not have a father,” said another.

Some wanted to get to the bottom of her mom’s reasoning.


Commenters on TikTok asked if doctors could lose their license for giving IVF treatment to somebody over 45.
TikTok

“Why all of a sudden at 51? Especially alone? God bless her.”

“She was dating a younger guy,” Kayla explained.

“They broke up but she decided to continue with having another baby.”

But some people defended the mom.

“She wants to be a mom and can actually provide for her child – what’s wrong with that?” one said.

“My mom had me at 43 and she’s my best friend. Ignore the hate,” said another.

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I do body modifications — I refused to pierce a 2-week-old baby

The controversy surrounding piercing baby’s ears was reignited with a recent TikTok clip.

UK-based Adhum Price, who works as a cosmetic body piercer in Birmingham, posted the video earlier this month, recreating an exchange he had with a father, who asked him to pierce his daughter’s ears, according to the Independent.

“An actual conversation I’ve had with a customer just this week,” he wrote over the TikTok clip,

After Price inquired about the baby’s age, the customer replied that their baby is 2 weeks old.

Writing on his TikTok video that he had to focus “heavily on not letting my inside voice pop off, exuding expletives I never realized I knew,” Price told the dad sorry, he doesn’t pierce the ears of children that young.


“You kind of have to have a conversation with your kid and find out whether it’s something they want to go through with,” Price said.
adhum_piercer_from_brum/TikTok

The father then asked what was the minimum age. Price told him that it was usually around 8 years old, but they like to wait until the child can give consent.

“You kind of have to have a conversation with your kid and find out whether it’s something they want to go through with — whether they’re comfortable with them having them pierced and whether, you know, they’re alright with us using needles for this procedure,” the piercer explained.

Although the dad insisted his baby was “fine” with needles, Price maintained the infant was too young and he’d have to bring her back when she was older.

Many commenters applauded Price for how he handled to situation.

“Drives me crazy that some parents feel they have ownership of their child’s body. Thanks for being a voice of reason!” a user commented.

“Thank you soooooo much for not agreeing to this,” another person wrote.

Although many were appalled by the idea of piercing a baby’s ears — some expressing worry over the health risks — others pointed out it can be cultural.

“For me it’s a cultural thing. And when you’re older you can decide to get more piercings or let the hole close,” one user wrote.

“I see both sides. I know families who do it in their culture (I’m a nanny) but I can totally understand where you’re coming from,” another pointed out.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says there’s little risk to the baby’s health if the piercing is done carefully, and aftercare is vital. The AAP does recommend waiting until a child is old enough to take care of the piercing themselves and to watch out for any complications, like infection.

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I can’t remember my kids as babies

Many of us can’t remember our childhood.

Trying to recall your own experiences at preschool or as a primary schooler are probably just hazy images, if that.

It’s totally normal and understandable and is a well-recognized phenomenon, known as “childhood amnesia.” 

But one mom has revealed that she actually doesn’t remember her own kid’s childhoods, or rather — them as young children.

“They’re like separate entities”

They’re now much older and after recently looking at old photos of them as toddlers, she was left confused as she had difficulty reconciling the difference in ages. 

Her children seemed like strangers to her. 

In a viral post on Mumsnet yesterday, the mom, user EmpressOFTheSofa, shared a post titled, “I can’t remember my children.”


A mom went viral for a post about not being able to remember her children as babies.
Getty Images/iStockphoto

She later admits that she knows that it sounds dramatic, but that’s honestly what’s happened.

The woman begins by saying, “I’ve just had a FB memory of my youngest doing something cute as a toddler. And watching it feels like watching my own cute baby but they have no relevance to the pre-teen I see now.”

The mum ensures readers that she has a strong relationship with her kids, but for some reason, she can’t see any cohesion when she looks at pictures and videos of them then, versus now.

It’s like they’re different people, or “separate identities,” as she puts it. 

“Is this weird?” she asks, before continuing to explain, “I can see pictures of my younger siblings and join that together with the adults they are now but with my kids, I seem to have a strange disconnect between who they were as infants and who they are as older children.”

The OP then admits that she’s finding it quite “disturbing”.

“It’s like ‘remember that toddler we used to know’ and ‘look at this funny child laughing at his own farts’.  Love them, but they seem like completely different entities.

“Has anyone else experienced this or am I losing it?” she asks at the end of her post.

“I thought I was a monster”

Well, the response has been varied. Some say it could actually be a sign of an underlying mental issue and others say they’ve had similar experiences.

One person said, “I’d say it’s a cognitive issue if you look at photos of your kids but can’t remember them, sorry.”

A different user wrote, “I don’t think it’s that you can’t remember your kids, they’ve just changed a lot. Personality wise and looks.”

Another shared: “It’s not just you OP! It’s like adolescence comes along and steals your little children away and they morph into the same but different people. Also, I think you are so busy ‘doing’ when you are raising young children that it’s hard to stop and just savor the moment.

“I sometimes think there is some mechanism in our minds that makes us forget each stage to be honest.”

A different person added to this idea, musing, “The loss of memory of the details of your child’s early years could be seen as nature’s way of putting you in the present.”

This mama empathized, saying, “Absolutely can relate and I was actually thinking about posting something similar just recently. It’s as if the young children simply don’t exist anymore. I find looking at photos a very bittersweet experience.”

Someone else wrote, “I think this feeling is becoming more common since we started viewing life through our phones and social media. I’m making a conscious effort to be more in the moment now.”

Others put it down to tiredness and sleep deprivation. “I was so f—king knackered all the time when my kids were little that I think my brain just didn’t retain much of it.”

The OP posted a follow-up post after reading the comments: “I am so glad I posted this! I was feeling very low in general and particularly low about my big kids living away. The FB memory of my gorgeous toddler pretty much tipped me over as I couldn’t reconcile him with the farty little 10-year-old monster.

“I thought I was the monster because I couldn’t remember my babies as babies.

“Thank you, Mumsnet. 20 years here and you are still making my life better even though they aren’t babies any more.”

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Tired mother’s funny back-to-school photo: ‘Mom’s first day’

This mom has first-day bitters.

A mother in North Carolina shared her hilarious spin on a classic back-to-school trend, turning the camera on herself in a now-viral snapshot that struck a chord with exhausted parents everywhere.

Jeni Bukolt snapped a photo of herself wearing sunglasses, unenthusiastically holding up a black chalkboard sign that noted it was the first day of school.

“Mom’s first day of school,” the decorated sign read, as seen in her Instagram photo.

“I am 42 years tired. I’ll probably miss a school ‘theme’ day.” I really like sleep. Please don’t ask me to volunteer, but I will buy you supplies.”

The satirical post poked fun at the classic back-to-school photos that flood Facebook feeds every fall as students pose with Pinterest-inspired signs listing their age, grade and fun facts about themselves before returning to school.

“Happy ‘Back to School’ season to all the parents,” Bukolt wrote in the caption. “May we not forget a ‘theme’ day or accidentally send our kids to the bus stop on the teacher work days, or forget to pick them up on the randomly scheduled half days. May we have patience and give each other grace for doing our best!”

Bukolt wanted to “create a lighthearted moment” during a usually stressful time and hopes that “other moms can get a good laugh about it.”
Instagram / mavenjeni

The mother of two and owner of branding agency HAVEN Creative said the idea came to her last minute as her boys were getting ready for their first day.

“I thought maybe if I can create a lighthearted moment, some other moms will laugh and understand we’re all in this kind of struggle together. Like, let’s have empathy for each other,” Bukolt told “Good Morning America.”

“I also feel like when you look at social media, there’s all these, [picture perfect] worlds. It’s not the true story. And some people think like, ‘Oh, they have it better or they’re perfect,’ and this is an opportunity to say no, we’re all real human beings … we’re all in the struggle together.”

The post attracted a few hateful comments but Bukolt doesn’t mind. She followed her initial post with another photo of the sign with an added sticky note that read: “P.S. I love my boys and teachers. It’s a joke.”

“The whole purpose behind it was just the struggle of myself going, ‘Here comes another year. I hope I don’t forget anything.’ Because trying to be an entrepreneur and a wife and a mom and juggling all the things, I feel like I’m constantly failing in some area of my life,” she explained.

“If other moms can get a good laugh about it, then that makes my heart happy,” Bukolt said.

Parents aren’t the only ones already feeling the exhaustion of the looming school year. Two-thirds of American teachers report feeling burned out, a recent study found.

In fact, parents are a lot more confident than teachers, research from OnePoll found, reporting that 44% of teachers and 55% of parents are feeling less anxious about the upcoming school year compared to last year.



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