Tag: dear abby

My terminally ill wife is cheating on me — I want to leave but I can’t

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have known each other for 25 years. We married five years ago. At that time, I was making 500-mile round trips twice a month to visit my children from my first marriage. I was, and still am, crazy about her. 

However, two years ago, my wife admitted to a long-term romantic affair with a married man who has two children. She also admitted that she was waiting for him to leave his wife, and that he was waiting for her to leave me before moving in and eventually moving away together, and perhaps marrying. 

Shortly after this came out, she became critically ill. She requires 24-hour care, and I have been at her side, monitoring her health and taking her blood pressure. She flatlined once at the hospital, and if I hadn’t been in the room at the time, she would have died. 

My wife refuses to give me any details about the affair. There have been signs that she may still be in touch with him, and I think his wife should know. She becomes hysterical at that suggestion, which raises her blood pressure dangerously high. I feel trapped. I fear that if I leave her, she would have no one to care for her and might die. What do you advise? — DEEP IN THE DRAMA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DEEP: You are no more trapped than you wish to be. There can be no marriage without trust. If your wife were truly contrite about her affair, she would tell you everything.

Because you think she may still be in contact with her lover, and in light of the fact that she refuses to come clean, discuss this with an attorney who can explain to you what your responsibilities would be if you were to divorce her after five years of marriage. You should not be forced to be her caregiver under these circumstances. 

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old grandson, “Lucas,” and I are very close. His mother (my daughter) allowed me to have him any time I wanted. I would even take him on vacation with me. When he was going into first grade, his mom informed me she was going into rehab, so he started living with me. Lucas is now in sixth grade and back living with his mom. 

My daughter has two other boys and lives with their father. Lucas’ dad is not in his life. I have always been there for him. She isn’t a bad mom, but Lucas doesn’t like living with her. My daughter now plans to move 40 minutes away and transfer Lucas to a new school. I’m very worried for him. I’m the reason he has a social life. He has been in Boy Scouts with the same boys for five years. What am I to do? Let him go? — BESIDE MYSELF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BESIDE MYSELF: Unless you can convince your daughter to agree to allow Lucas to stay with you so he can remain socially active with his peer group, I think you have no choice but to let him go. Sixth and seventh grades are a difficult time for a child to start a new school because cliques have usually formed by then. You are a caring grandparent, and I wish you luck. Start campaigning now.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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My friend called me tacky for celebrating finishing my cancer treatments

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to my DNA results, I will have a double mastectomy sometime in the next few months after I finish chemo. I want to celebrate that it was caught early by throwing a “Ta-ta to the Tatas” party complete with crazy wigs, a boob cake and a round of slippery nipple cocktails, a week or so before my surgery. 

One of my friends thinks the idea is tacky and she’s firmly against it. Abby, she can’t even say the word “cancer” aloud; she has to whisper it. Am I wrong? Is it tacky to want to affirm life and flout both fear and death with over-the-top, tacky humor? This kind of humor is how I deal with serious problems. If I can mock the problem, I lessen its power. For me, it’s like celebrating Dia de Los Muertos, but in this case, it’s my breasts that I’m losing, not my life. What do you think? — PARTY MOOD IN MONTANA

DEAR PARTY MOOD: I think you are a brave and strong woman, clearly much more so than your friend. You are dealing with a serious challenge in the healthiest way possible — by facing it head-on. You deserve to be supported by your friends in the months to come, but the woman you have written about is not one of them. She isn’t emotionally strong enough to accompany you on this journey. Don’t blame her, but DO disinvite her. Bottoms up!

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons in their 50s. My older son is kind, attentive and loving. The younger one, “Scott,” is problematic. Both my boys were raised the same, although when they were in their early teens, I divorced their alcoholic father. At that point, I had to work three jobs to keep them fed and sheltered. 

Scott constantly returns to the past and accuses me of never having time for him. He no longer speaks to me, which happens often and can last for long periods. His wrath is directed solely at me, and he accuses me of turning the rest of the family against him. He’s negative and controlling, and the truth is, no one wants to be around him. In addition to posting hurtful things on social media, he now refers to me as the “ice maiden.” 

A close family member advised me to look up the definition of narcissism, and I was shocked to see the description of this disorder fits Scott perfectly. What I have read and researched about narcissism says “stay away” and only counseling will help. He refuses, saying it would be “too hurtful.” Have I lost a son? Is this something I created? — MOM OF A MONSTER

DEAR MOM: Please stop blaming yourself. If you have researched narcissism, you should already know that you didn’t cause Scott’s problem. Whether the estrangement is permanent, only time will tell. In the meantime, protect yourself by no longer trying to engage with him, and block his hurtful social media posts. You can’t fix what’s wrong with your son, and he won’t try to fix himself because he’s enjoying being the injured party.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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Small town charm doesn’t work for my busy schedule

DEAR ABBY: I moved to a smaller city from a larger one seven years ago. There are fewer businesses here. I often struggle to get home repairs done because people here operate on “regional time,” meaning they get to stuff when they feel like it, if they feel like doing it at all. 

Some of my home repairs had to wait nine to 12 months, in spite of weekly or biweekly follow-ups to check the status of repairs and parts. Often, I receive no response to my inquiries. What they call regional time, I call rude, inconsiderate and a waste of the time I must spend following up. 

It’s not like I can take my business elsewhere, because they realize they are the only business in town that can do the needed repairs. I have tried things like buying them lunch when they show up in a reasonable amount of time to thank them for their “outstanding” service, but it seems to have no effect on improving service in the future. Any thoughts on how to light a fire under their backsides? — PROMPT IN CANADA

DEAR PROMPT: You might offer these tradespeople a generous gratuity if they show up in a reasonable amount of time and do a satisfactory job. Other than this, my only suggestion would be, in light of the emotional cost of dealing with these issues in a small community, to consider returning to the big city.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a married professional woman with three kids, a demanding job and responsibility for my aging parents. I don’t have a lot of downtime. Really, there isn’t any downtime. I’m barely balancing the things on my plate and caring for my family. 

Other than them, I have few people I’m close with because I don’t have the time or capacity to do more. I know I can be the bad friend who asks for more help than I can give, and I’m working on being better. 

We have a new neighbor I like very much who has been trying very hard to make friends. She’s invited me out twice and stopped by to chat several times, but I’m always busy. It would be lovely to have a friend in the neighborhood, but I truly can’t make time for anyone else. 

The next free evening I have is five weeks from now, and then only if I can find a babysitter. Is there a way to say to someone, “I’d love to be friends — in two years when things slow down”? — OVEREXTENDED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR OVEREXTENDED: If you can pause long enough for a 10-minute conversation with this woman, explain it to her as you have to me. Tell her you like her very much, but your schedule is so crammed right now that the first opportunity you have to get together is five weeks from now IF you can secure a babysitter. That way she won’t feel personally rejected. 

TO MY READERS: I wish you all a joyous, meaningful, healthy and safe Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone! — LOVE, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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