Tag: friendship

Our neighbors keep on copying whatever we do

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with another couple for many years. We would get together occasionally, and we mostly enjoyed their company. When the house across the street from ours became available, they bought it. 

Not long after they moved in, the wife began copying our interior and exterior design elements and one night stood in our kitchen and said, “Well you know, everything’s a competition.” To say we were dismayed would be an understatement. My husband and I spent many years collecting vintage furniture and other items to create a distinctive home. It has been a labor of love. 

Six months ago, we installed a unique garage door, unlike anything in the neighborhood. Abby, within three months she installed the exact same one! Are we wrong to find it crass and disrespectful? 

We no longer want to spend time with them but don’t want to completely sever the connection because they are neighbors, and we also have some mutual friends. Moving is not an option; this is our home. What should we do? — FED UP IN OHIO

DEAR FED UP: I understand why you are frosted and need to distance yourself. Who wants to be close to someone who considers “everything” to be a competition? Perhaps it will lessen your frustration to remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, while you learn to accept things you cannot change. Of course it is in your best interest to keep things cordial, but it might be better if you no longer invite this woman into your home.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my beautiful mother six years ago. While, of course, I miss her terribly, something else has been bothering me that I’m having trouble getting over. I allowed my cousin on my dad’s side of the family to come to the hospital to see me and pay her respects, which didn’t bother me. It’s what occurred next that I have the big issue with. 

When my cousin left the hospital, she jumped straight on Facebook and posted for everyone to see “RIP, Aunt Sally.” Everyone who was friends with Mom saw the post, which meant she announced my mom’s passing before I had even had time to process it all. I was extremely hurt, angry, sad and shocked that she would do that. 

It still bothers me as it’s not something that can be undone. I was still lying beside my mom crying and trying to say goodbye to her when my phone started blowing up with messages and notifications. How can I get past the betrayal I feel? I have had very little contact with that cousin since. — HURT IN FLORIDA

DEAR HURT: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. In this internet age, it’s not unusual for people to post their feelings online. Your cousin may have been venting rather than intending to make a formal announcement of your mother’s passing. The problem with posting is that once it’s on there, it is out there for everyone to see and react to. 

I do think this is something you should discuss with your cousin, who may not have realized how her online sentiments affected you on that sad and stressful day. You deserve an apology for her insensitivity.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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My friend called me tacky for celebrating finishing my cancer treatments

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to my DNA results, I will have a double mastectomy sometime in the next few months after I finish chemo. I want to celebrate that it was caught early by throwing a “Ta-ta to the Tatas” party complete with crazy wigs, a boob cake and a round of slippery nipple cocktails, a week or so before my surgery. 

One of my friends thinks the idea is tacky and she’s firmly against it. Abby, she can’t even say the word “cancer” aloud; she has to whisper it. Am I wrong? Is it tacky to want to affirm life and flout both fear and death with over-the-top, tacky humor? This kind of humor is how I deal with serious problems. If I can mock the problem, I lessen its power. For me, it’s like celebrating Dia de Los Muertos, but in this case, it’s my breasts that I’m losing, not my life. What do you think? — PARTY MOOD IN MONTANA

DEAR PARTY MOOD: I think you are a brave and strong woman, clearly much more so than your friend. You are dealing with a serious challenge in the healthiest way possible — by facing it head-on. You deserve to be supported by your friends in the months to come, but the woman you have written about is not one of them. She isn’t emotionally strong enough to accompany you on this journey. Don’t blame her, but DO disinvite her. Bottoms up!

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons in their 50s. My older son is kind, attentive and loving. The younger one, “Scott,” is problematic. Both my boys were raised the same, although when they were in their early teens, I divorced their alcoholic father. At that point, I had to work three jobs to keep them fed and sheltered. 

Scott constantly returns to the past and accuses me of never having time for him. He no longer speaks to me, which happens often and can last for long periods. His wrath is directed solely at me, and he accuses me of turning the rest of the family against him. He’s negative and controlling, and the truth is, no one wants to be around him. In addition to posting hurtful things on social media, he now refers to me as the “ice maiden.” 

A close family member advised me to look up the definition of narcissism, and I was shocked to see the description of this disorder fits Scott perfectly. What I have read and researched about narcissism says “stay away” and only counseling will help. He refuses, saying it would be “too hurtful.” Have I lost a son? Is this something I created? — MOM OF A MONSTER

DEAR MOM: Please stop blaming yourself. If you have researched narcissism, you should already know that you didn’t cause Scott’s problem. Whether the estrangement is permanent, only time will tell. In the meantime, protect yourself by no longer trying to engage with him, and block his hurtful social media posts. You can’t fix what’s wrong with your son, and he won’t try to fix himself because he’s enjoying being the injured party.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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Small town charm doesn’t work for my busy schedule

DEAR ABBY: I moved to a smaller city from a larger one seven years ago. There are fewer businesses here. I often struggle to get home repairs done because people here operate on “regional time,” meaning they get to stuff when they feel like it, if they feel like doing it at all. 

Some of my home repairs had to wait nine to 12 months, in spite of weekly or biweekly follow-ups to check the status of repairs and parts. Often, I receive no response to my inquiries. What they call regional time, I call rude, inconsiderate and a waste of the time I must spend following up. 

It’s not like I can take my business elsewhere, because they realize they are the only business in town that can do the needed repairs. I have tried things like buying them lunch when they show up in a reasonable amount of time to thank them for their “outstanding” service, but it seems to have no effect on improving service in the future. Any thoughts on how to light a fire under their backsides? — PROMPT IN CANADA

DEAR PROMPT: You might offer these tradespeople a generous gratuity if they show up in a reasonable amount of time and do a satisfactory job. Other than this, my only suggestion would be, in light of the emotional cost of dealing with these issues in a small community, to consider returning to the big city.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a married professional woman with three kids, a demanding job and responsibility for my aging parents. I don’t have a lot of downtime. Really, there isn’t any downtime. I’m barely balancing the things on my plate and caring for my family. 

Other than them, I have few people I’m close with because I don’t have the time or capacity to do more. I know I can be the bad friend who asks for more help than I can give, and I’m working on being better. 

We have a new neighbor I like very much who has been trying very hard to make friends. She’s invited me out twice and stopped by to chat several times, but I’m always busy. It would be lovely to have a friend in the neighborhood, but I truly can’t make time for anyone else. 

The next free evening I have is five weeks from now, and then only if I can find a babysitter. Is there a way to say to someone, “I’d love to be friends — in two years when things slow down”? — OVEREXTENDED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR OVEREXTENDED: If you can pause long enough for a 10-minute conversation with this woman, explain it to her as you have to me. Tell her you like her very much, but your schedule is so crammed right now that the first opportunity you have to get together is five weeks from now IF you can secure a babysitter. That way she won’t feel personally rejected. 

TO MY READERS: I wish you all a joyous, meaningful, healthy and safe Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone! — LOVE, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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Talking to strangers as well as friends makes you happier: study

No stranger danger here.

A new study suggests that people who talk to strangers as well as family and friends are happier. 

It’s well known that there is a link between happiness and social connection, but researchers from Harvard University wanted to know which type of relationships and how many interactions with each type is best for one’s well-being. 

“Indeed, the amount of social interaction in an individual’s daily life is one of the most consistent predictors of psychological well-being,” the researchers wrote in the journal PNAS.

They studied the “social portfolio” of more than 50,000 people from eight different countries to find if people with a diverse set of relationships are happier than those who don’t expand their social circles.

The study found that the people who branched out had a greater wellbeing, life satisfaction and quality of life. Talking to a wider range of people turned out to be more important to one’s happiness than total number of interactions or time spent interacting. 

It’s well known that there is a link between happiness and social connection.
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“Recent work suggests that individuals discuss important topics with their weak ties more often than traditional network theory would predict — especially in one-on-one conversation when relational stakes are lower,” the researchers wrote. 

Researchers even found that participants who interacted with a random stranger were just as happy as those who were paired to interact with their significant other. 

“Different types of social support — for example emotional, instrumental, financial and informational — tend to be provided by different social relations, for example your partner, immediate kin, friends or colleagues,” the authors wrote. 

They found that “weak ties,” or people you’re not close to, play a critical role at the network level, providing information and resources that might not be available in your inner circle. 

“Diversity in social portfolios may be associated with greater access to different types of social support, resulting in enhanced well-being,” researchers wrote.

However, they acknowledged that, for some, having these kinds of interactions might be difficult. “People’s time is scarce, such that increasing the number or frequency of social interactions can prove challenging.”

They explained that future research could be done to examine what people intuitively think of the correlation between an expansive social portfolio and well-being. For example, people might believe the results to be true, but don’t have the ability to expand their circles for varying reasons, or people simply might not believe they need to branch out in order to be happier. 

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