Tag: family

Politics have torn my family apart

DEAR ABBY: I moved to a conservative state to be close to my aging parents and become closer with my siblings and extended family. After six years, my parents and a sister have passed on, and I’m wondering what I’m even doing here. My political views are at the opposite spectrum from my siblings and extended family, which I can deal with as long as we don’t talk politics. My husband argues politics with them and doesn’t understand that no one is changing their minds. 

We’re no longer invited to family get-togethers, and they don’t initiate conversations or dinners. Neither do we. They are very vocal about their politics, and relations are frosty with some of them. I don’t know how to repair relationships with them as long as they keep discussing politics. Please advise. — LEFT VS. RIGHT IN UTAH

DEAR LEFT VS. RIGHT: From what you have written, it seems your husband has been equally guilty of initiating those political rants. It may be too late to repair the damage that he has helped to create. Because you are now estranged from those relatives, I see no harm in exploring options for relocating. Safe travels!

DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I work at the college where we were undergraduates. The school has a strong reunion tradition, and thousands of alumni come with their families to relive their college days. We live here year-round and are sort of done with reminiscing. 

In years past, I’ve had boundary issues with former classmates who come to town assuming they can stay at our house (without asking) and think we want to entertain them late into the night. We had to implement a “no classmates at the house” rule, and most people understand we’d prefer to visit them on campus. 

However, one former classmate is oddly persistent and asked if she can come “see” our house. When I said I’m not entertaining guests, she asked if she could come and look around without me. (Clearly no.) Then she asked if she could just walk by my house and see what it looks like from the outside, which I can’t control, but is pretty weird since I made it clear I was looking for privacy. 

How do I set boundaries with someone who wants to stand on the sidewalk and stare in my windows? We were friends 15 years ago, but are not close now. They are coming again in the near future and it’s already stressing me out. — CAREER COLLEGIAN IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR COLLEGIAN: While you can’t prevent a pushy person from looking at your house from the sidewalk, you can tell her that her persistence is making you uncomfortable and to please stop. You might also point out that if you feel like having a visitor, the invitation will come from you and not vice versa.

TO MY READERS: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement begins at sundown. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer, and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you who observe — may your fast be a meaningful one.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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I looked up my birth father and discovered I have 2 brothers

DEAR ABBY: I am a 49-year-old woman who never had a father in my life. He was gone shortly after my mother announced she was pregnant. When she contacted him via his family to let him know I was born, he said he didn’t care, he was already with someone else and she was pregnant. 

I have always known his name and that he lived in Ohio. Well, thanks to technology, I found him. I would look him up every so often. I just learned he died seven months ago. I saw from his obituary that I have two brothers. 

I’m not sure what, if anything, to do. If they don’t know about me, wouldn’t that be a shock? I haven’t told my mother anything about this. I’m not sure how, to be honest. So where am I supposed to go from here? — FEELING LOST AND CONFUSED

DEAR FEELING LOST: You should discuss the fact that you have been searching with your mother. It’s long overdue, and she may be able to share more details with you. If you were seeking the father you never had, he was gone long before his death, and for that I am sorry. If you are looking for a family relationship with your half-brothers, the chances of you finding one are slim. They may have never been told about their father’s “past.”

What a healthy person would do in a case like this is build a family of your choosing, with friends who are caring and supportive, and concentrate on the future rather than the past, which you cannot change.

DEAR ABBY: “Seeking Help in Texas” (July 19) sought assistance for her 24-year-old grandson with Asperger’s syndrome and a bipolar diagnosis. He could apply for career counseling and job placement services from the Vocational Rehabilitation agency serving job seekers with disabilities in his state. In Texas he could contact 800-628-5115 or visit twc.state.tx.us/. 

Residents in other states can find their VR agencies at rsa.ed.gov/about/states/. Job seekers are generally eligible for VR Services if they have a physical, mental or visual disability that is a barrier to employment and need vocational rehabilitation services to get or keep a job. 

Other employment-related services could include training or college education assistive technology, self-employment programs and other programs needed to reach career goals. Vocational rehabilitation programs introduce or reinstate people with disabilities into the workforce, create taxpayers and reduce dependence on disability benefits and government assistance. 

The workplace could also be a great place for the young man to meet people and possibly develop socially, which was a concern in the letter. — JODY HARLAN, OKLAHOMA DEPT. OF REHABILITATION SERVICES

DEAR JODY: Thank you for providing additional resources for the young man who is in need of a jump-start in his life. I am sure they will prove helpful — not only to that family, but also to many other readers with whom that letter resonated.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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Anderson Cooper opens up about brother, fathers’ deaths

Anderson Cooper is getting candid about two major events that transformed his life.

The broadcaster, 55, took a tour of his late mother Gloria Vanderbilt’s New York City apartment during a recent episode of his CNN podcast, “All There Is with Anderson Cooper,” and looked back at some painful memories.

The news anchor shared how the passing of his father, Wyatt Cooper, in 1978 and the suicide of his older brother Carter a decade later, both had a profound impact on him.

“Both of their deaths really changed me forever,” Cooper explained about losing his family. “I feel like a shadow of the person I was or was meant to be. After the shock of my dad’s death, I withdrew deep into myself. And 10 years later, when my brother died, I went deeper still.”

“This place has a lot of memories for me,” he said while walking through his mother’s home. “A lot of memories of people who are no longer here. Just coming here, frankly, is hard.”

Carter was just 23 when he died — by jumping from the 14th-floor terrace of Vanderbilt’s Manhattan penthouse apartment.

Wyatt Emory Cooper and his wife Gloria Vanderbilt Cooper sit with their sons, Carter and Anderson Cooper in 1972.
Getty Images

Anderson was just 10 years old when his father passed from a fatal heart attack.

He added that his mother — who died in June 2019 at 95 — tried to remain optimistic despite all the death and trauma surrounding her.

The journalist looked to Vanderbilt many times for strength and recalled her being strong-willed.

“My mom, she never asked, ‘Why me?’ ‘Why did this happen to me?’ She would always say, ‘Why not me?’ Why should we be exempt from the pain of living and losing?’” he said.

Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt attend the premiere of “Nothing Left Unsaid” at the Time Warner Center in New York in 2016.
Charles Sykes/Invision/AP

The father of two went on: “That term ‘survivor’ to me always implies that brassy ballsy cabaret singer belting out ‘I’m still here, damn it!’ and yet that wasn’t her. She was a survivor but that’s not how she survived at all. It didn’t morph her into something harder.”

In order to help cope with his losses, Anderson decided to change his surroundings.

Gloria Vanderbilt poses for a portrait session with her sons Anderson Cooper and Carter Vanderbilt Cooper in their home on March 30, 1972, in Southampton, Long Island.
Getty Images

“I felt like I couldn’t speak the same language as other people, and I ended up heading to Somalia and Bosnia and South Africa and Rwanda, places where the language of loss was spoken and the pain that I was feeling inside was matched by the pain all around me,” he noted.

“I think that’s how I learned how to survive, but still I find it hard to talk about my dad and my brother. It’s been 34 years since Carter’s suicide and the violence of it, the horror of it, it stuns me still.”

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Christian Glass’ family calls for accountability after death

Police who shot a 22-year-old Colorado man after he called 911 for roadside assistance escalated the situation, needlessly leading to his death, the man’s relatives said in a tearful news conference Tuesday in which they called for accountability.

After Christian Glass’ June 11 death in the small mountain town of Silver Plume west of Denver, the Clear Creek County Sheriff’s office issued a news release saying that Glass was shot after he became “argumentative and uncooperative” and tried to stab an officer when police broke a car window to grab him.

“Christian was experiencing a crisis, and he called 911 for help,” said the parents’ attorney, Siddhartha Rathod, “and yet these officers busted out Christian’s window, shot him six times with bean bag rounds, Tased him multiple times from two Tasers, and then shot him five times.”

The Colorado Bureau of Investigation handles police shootings, including the Glass case, but the family wants prosecutors to file criminal charges, Rathod said.

Heidi McCollum, district attorney for the Fifth Judicial District that includes Clear Creek County, released a statement Tuesday saying her office is investigating the case along with the Colorado Bureau of Investigation. Her office plans to eventually issue a report on the shooting or present the case to a grand jury, which would decide if indictments should be issued, McCollum said.

The videos shared with The Associated Press show Glass refusing to come out of his car while also telling police he’s “terrified” and making heart shapes with his hands to officers. At one point, he also can be seen praying with folded hands and saying, “Dear Lord, please, don’t let them break the window.”

Siddhartha Rathod (right) said Christian Glass had no history of mental illness.
AP

When the officers did break the window, Glass seemed to panic and grabbed a knife.

Police then shot Glass with bean bag rounds and shocked him with a stun gun before the young man twisted in his seat and thrust a knife toward an officer, the footage showed. Then one officer fired his gun, hitting Glass. The recordings then show Glass stabbing himself before he died.

The family said the videos were only edited to blur the body. The AP has requested that police provide any videos related to the case.

Rathod said Glass had no history of mental illness. When asked about Glass’s abnormal behavior, he said “unfortunately we are not ever going to know.”

Police have not said whether behavioral health specialists were contacted during the crisis.
AP

Rathod released an autopsy report that found that Glass died of gunshot wounds. It said he had THC, a .01% blood alcohol concentration, and amphetamine in his system, the last of which Rathod said is likely from an ADHD prescription for Glass.

The shooting comes amid a national outcry for police reforms focused on crisis intervention, de-escalation and alternative policing programs. In Denver and New York, behavioral health specialists are sent to 911 callers facing crises that police may not be trained to address or could even exacerbate.

Police haven’t said if any behavioral health specialists were called for Glass.

Use-of-force and de-escalation experts who reviewed the footage for The Associated Press said this case is an example of when a behavioral health specialist or crisis response team — programs becoming increasingly popular across the country — may have helped de-escalate the situation and avert Glass’ death.

“There are some real red flags that suggest potential problems,” said Seth Stoughton, a former police officer and leading use-of-force expert who reviewed portions of the footage. Stoughton testified in the trial of Derek Chauvin, the police officer who murdered George Floyd.

While police officers may be justified in using force once a situation has intensified, “it’s everything that we do before that in terms of de-escalation that can make those situations go a completely different direction,” said Tamara Lynn, the executive council president for the National De-Escalation Training Center, who reviewed the footage.

In particular, both Lynn and Stoughton questioned why officers didn’t take Glass up on his offer, recorded by body camera footage, to disarm himself by throwing his knives out of his car window.

While a thrown knife can pose a threat, “officers have plenty of opportunity to maneuver themselves and put themselves in a position that’s not risky,” said Stoughton. “I am kind of astonished that they did not take advantage of what looked like a very clear opportunity to have him separate himself from the weapons.”

Similarly, Stoughton wondered why they needed to break the car window. He said police don’t have all day to spend on one call, but questioned if they needed to.

“It’s not clear to me that it should have gone that far,” he said.

Between tears on Tuesday, Christian’s mother, Sally Glass, displayed a pendant of Jesus recovered from her son’s car that is engraved with the words, “Pray for us.”

“We have to pray for us in America to make this a less violent country,” Sally Glass said. “I think a lot of people now would agree that there is a systemic problem with policing: It’s too aggressive. They escalate at every opportunity, and it looks like they are spoiling for a fight. … They should be protecting us, not attacking us.”

Glass said her son was “petrified” and “paralyzed” by fear the night he was killed.

“I have a hole in my heart, and it will be there until the day I die,” Glass said.

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I’m afraid my siblings will bully me if I tell them I’m bisexual

DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl who has recently discovered I am bisexual. I told a few close friends, and I’m happy to say they have accepted me. Nothing has changed. I have not told any of my family yet. I know my parents will support me, but the problem is two of my four siblings. They constantly tease and taunt me, call me names and pick on me. 

I have been raised to stand up to bullies, and I am mostly confident with myself. I have brought up their bullying to my parents a couple of times, but after discipline from my parents they keep doing it. They are clearly homophobic, and I know they will tease and pick on me even more if I come out to them. 

I want to tell my parents, but I’m afraid it will inevitably lead to my siblings knowing. I don’t think if my younger siblings knew they would care, but they might be confused or weirded out since the concept is foreign to them. 

Should I try to convince my parents not to say anything to my siblings until later? I don’t want to hide, but I don’t want to be pushed to depression, low self-esteem or worse if my vocal homophobic siblings know and chastise me about my sexual orientation. — NEW LGBTQ+ MEMBER

DEAR MEMBER: Your siblings are not necessarily “homophobic.” They may just get a kick out of making their younger sister uncomfortable, and whatever punishment they receive is not sufficient to curb the problem. Whether your parents divulge it, your sexual orientation will become apparent sooner or later, so don’t bother hiding. You have friends and parents who support you. Handling negative comments from your immature sibs will give you the confidence to handle others in the future. 

You may want to consider joining a LGBTQ-friendly youth group for additional support. Your parents can find ways to help you by contacting an organization called PFLAG (pflag.org). It’s the first and largest organization for LGBTQ people, their parents, families and allies. You are an intelligent teen who is in the process of discovering who you are, and for that I applaud you.

DEAR ABBY: Over the last year and a half, I’ve been in a relationship with someone I have known for a lifetime. He’s married but working on getting a divorce. He has promised we will do things together once everything is settled. There have been several recent deaths in his family, including a grandchild who was killed by a drunk driver. 

Until a week ago we talked daily, when he told me he needed some time to think and get everything straight. I offered to return the things of his that I have. He said not to, and repeated that he just needed some time. His family has leaned on him for years. I’m sure he is overwhelmed. Should I wait and see what’s next or mend my heart and move on? — STANDING BY IN THE EAST

DEAR STANDING BY: As you are probably aware, I have printed many letters from women who were strung along far longer than two years. Back off. Give him six months to get his head and his life straight and to get that divorce filed. If nothing has changed by then, you will have devoted only two years of your life to the affair, and you should move on.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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