Pledging allegiance to the United States of ‘thieves’

Making a hash of it

New day, new hustle. Pledge allegiance to the United States of thieves:

Hopalong Cassidy, schlep-along Biden, congressional temp George Santos, Jersey’s Sen. Menendez and East Side West Side all around his friends Mayor Eric. Soon comes the rumor that bad men ran Chicago!

One of our Love Thy Neighbor mentalities recently filed a 21-page lawsuit in US Southern District of New York against Woody Allen and Soon-Yi. Why? Seems their personal chef Hermie Fajardo got fired by their home manager because of his active duty US Army Reserve status. Allegedly. Also because he demanded better wages. Allegedly.

So it’s a case of his completing a mandatory training program, getting a few quid more for his salt-baked branzino plus veggies and dessert plus relief for mental anguish, emotional distress, humiliation, embarrassment, distress, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, suffering — and a partridge in a pear tree.

Filed last week, lawsuit goes on for another half-dozen pages. Would cost less to give him a raise than to support his ­lawyers.

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Hotel horrors

AND if Sean Combs has a few minutes his list of alleged “sexual offenses” just got socked with more lawsuits. His current address? Metropolitan Detention Center (Brooklyn). Complaint attorneys, larger than a jury, include Rheingold Giuffra Ruffo Plotkin and Hellman.

Stated is that “at the InterContinental Times Square hotel” the plaintiff was “sexually abused and exploited” by P. Diddy, a k a Sean Combs. 

Defendants Bad Boy Entertainment Holdings, Bad Boy Entertainment LLC, Bad Boy Productions Holdings Inc., Daddy’s House Recordings and Sony Music Holdings allegedly “all breached their duty by failing to warn the plaintiff of risks that defendant Combs posed and the risks of sexual assault occurring in this aforesaid hotel suite during the time period.”

Combs’ attorneys told The Post: “These complaints are full of lies.”

How long P. Diddy/Sean Combs resides in his current cell, who knows. I only know that now it’s not only female types who are having issues. Complaints could take until Kamala wears a skirt.

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Mutterings

AT Cipriani 42nd Street the Animal Medical Center’s Top Dog gala, chaired by Nancy Kissinger, Annette de la Renta, Elaine Langone, drew Tisches, Schwarzmans, Bernadette Peters, John Miller. It supports AMC’s mission to provide care to animals. Great idea. Now if they could only get my 5-pound Yorkie Jellybean to improve his powder-room habits I’d be very grateful.

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Mane man

ROARING into theaters now is “Mufasa: The Lion King.” Features Beyoncé and Blue Ivy. Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote the music. These prequels take so long to make. Meeting them at a younger age is like looking through a family album. It also features the voices of Seth Rogen, Donald Glover, Billy Eichner.

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Magical finder is lost

SORRY to report that last week we lost my longtime friend, the mentalist Kreskin. He always made predictions, recovered lost items and divined where I lost something I couldn’t find. Once I couldn’t locate a wristful of gold bracelets. Kreskin discovered them stuffed in a shoe in my closet. I’d lost them for three years and couldn’t find them.

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I’M told researchers are investigating a new form of cholesterol. It blocks out body issues. Like the kind that’s found in the arteries of Joe Biden.

Only in America, kids, only in America.