My sister cheated on her husband of 40 years — do we need to forgive her?

DEAR ABBY: My older sister had an affair with an old boyfriend that lasted several months. She was 58 and had been married for 38 years. Her husband, who is a wonderful person and father of their three grown children, forgave her. He’s a devout Catholic, and divorce was out of the question. She has made every effort to ask for forgiveness from her husband and children and fix the issues in her marriage. 

The lingering problem is her oldest child (a daughter, age 35) who is unwilling to forgive and seems to hate her mother now. My niece refuses to have any kind of relationship with her mom. This situation is so painful for my sister that it’s kind of destroying her. Please offer any advice. — SADDENED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR SADDENED: Your sister’s husband and the other two adult children have forgiven their mother for the affair. No one can force the daughter to accept that her mother, like so many others, is flawed. People make mistakes. Your sister will have to go on with her life and hope that as this daughter matures, she will learn to forgive as the Lord forgives most of us after we have repented.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a caregiver and have been since the age of 13. I’ll soon be 54. I have taken care of my sister since our parents passed nearly 20 years ago. I’m seriously considering placing her in a nursing home because she has started needing even more care, and I’m having some health issues myself. 

We have brothers and sisters who promise to help care for her and give me a break, but they haven’t done it. I am married. Both my sons are grown and out of the house, living their lives. Should I feel guilty or not? — DUTY-BOUND IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DUTY-BOUND: I don’t think so. It is now time to take care of yourself. You have done more than your fair share of taking care of your sister. If she needs assisted living, your siblings should step forward, at the very least, in sharing the cost since they have done nothing else in the past to help. 

DEAR ABBY: I am a stepmother to a beautiful woman I love very much. She has given us three beautiful granddaughters and a handsome grandson. Sadly, my husband has a rare and aggressive form of cancer, and it looks terminal. My question is, after his passing, do I continue to be a stepmother? 

I know it’s most likely up to her, but I’m curious about the proper protocol. This will help me determine how I introduce her to others. Will she always be my stepdaughter, or does she become my late husband’s daughter? — UNKNOWN IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNKNOWN: When it comes to love, the rules are not important. This conversation is premature. After your husband’s funeral, ask his daughter what she would like you to call her in the future, and assure her that you love her as though she is your natural child, and would not want to use any label that would make her feel less than that. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.