A Retired Army Colonel’s Obituary Shares a Secret: ‘I Was Gay All My Life’

At first glance, Edward Thomas Ryan’s obituary, published in The Times Union of Albany, N.Y., seemed fairly straightforward.

It listed his survivors, including many nieces and nephews. It detailed his Army service in Vietnam. That he was a retired firefighter in his hometown, Rensselaer, N.Y. And that he was a co-founder of an Albany-based radio station.

But the end of his obituary, which ran on June 8, included a personal note from Mr. Ryan, who died on June 1 at 85 years old.

“I must tell you one more thing,” the obituary reads. “I was Gay all my life: thru grade school, thru High School, thru College, thru Life.”

Mr. Ryan went on to say that he had been in a “loving and caring relationship” with a man for 25 years. That man died in 1994, and the note said that Mr. Ryan would be buried next to him.

“I’m sorry for not having the courage to come out as Gay,” Mr. Ryan wrote. “I was afraid of being ostracized: by Family, Friends, and Co-Workers. Seeing how people like me were treated, I just could not do it.”

The revelation in the obituary set off a wave of online tributes to Mr. Ryan, and came as a surprise to some of his family and friends.

“Thank you Edward Ryan for fighting for our freedoms while you yourself did not feel free,” one comment on the obituary page reads. Another said: “He thought he was not brave enough. His military record and other accomplishments speak for themselves. I’m glad he was able to find happiness with someone who loved him.”

Mr. Ryan showed Linda Sargent, his niece, and Edward Sargent, Linda’s husband, the obituary a month before he died, as he was consulting them about end-of-life care. Mr. Sargent said the cause of death was heart failure.

That Mr. Ryan revealed himself to be gay was not a surprise to the Sargents. In the past, Mr. Ryan had mentioned a “soul mate” of 25 years to them, though Mr. Ryan, an intensely private man, never offered further details.

“Linda and I knew, you know what I mean?” Mr. Sargent said in an interview. “We never sat down and talked about it prior to that because my uncle was a private person. So we never broke that boundary. We knew, but we didn’t say anything.”

Upon finding out for certain, Mr. Sargent said, he urged Mr. Ryan to come out before he died.

“I felt that it would have empowered him,” Mr. Sargent said. “And gave him that freedom and made his life whole and complete. All he did his whole life practically was to serve his community.”

Another one of Mr. Ryan’s nieces, Kelly Blue, said that she was unaware of what the obituary would say before it was published.

“I’m happy that he did it,” Ms. Blue said. “Now he can rest in peace. He got it out.”

Born in 1938, Mr. Ryan came of age in an era when gay people faced frequent discrimination and often lived in the shadows. A former colonel in the Army, Mr. Ryan would not have been able to live publicly as a gay man without repercussions. In 1993, President Bill Clinton instituted the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which allowed gay men and women to serve in the military provided they did not publicly reveal their sexual orientation. President Barack Obama reversed the policy in 2010.

”I feel that he didn’t tell anybody because he thought people were going to judge him,” Ms. Blue said. “And years ago, you didn’t talk about that stuff.”

Mr. Ryan was a man of many skills, aside from being a decorated soldier. According to his obituary, he was a chef at the local American Legion post. He received a citation from the State of New York for volunteering to cook for emergency workers in the aftermath of the Sept. 11 attacks, Mr. Sargent said.

After leaving the military, Mr. Ryan was a firefighter for almost three decades until he retired in 1992. He was affectionately known as “Uncle Ed.”

“He interacted with everybody in the community,” William Brooking, the Rensselaer fire chief, said. “He was always happy. Always smiling. Just a down to earth guy that would help anybody through anything that was needed.”

Mr. Brooking, a close friend of Mr. Ryan, said that Mr. Ryan’s sexuality was something long assumed by his family and friends, but that Mr. Ryan never discussed it because “of the era that he came up in.”

“I definitely am not a fan of him not being able to live the life that he wanted to live,” Mr. Brooking said. “Me personally, I have approximately five gay family members myself. One being my daughter, who is married to another woman. To me, I understand it. I have no judgment of it. And I feel as though everybody should be able to live like my daughter lives now.”

The last line of Mr. Ryan’s obituary is perhaps the most poignant: “Now that my secret is known, I’ll forever Rest in Peace.”